People say I'm egotistical, but enough about them.

We three kings of orient are, one in a taxi, one in a car.

2011-12-06T20:52:00.001Z

Festive greetings online stalkers! I imagine you're still all pregnant with Christmas food babies as we speak? Guaranteed you won't get through this post without at least a Christmas tree chocolate to fuel you. You make me sick.

Every year on Christmas Eve there's a carol singing shindig outside our local church where some of the keener churchy types dress up and act out Jesus being born etc. I'm not talking Mary with her ankles in stirrups, it's more of a nativity scene with real people. This is not the type of event I would normally attend, however I make an exception for this because it's so shambolic and hilarious that it's actually worth standing outside for half an hour for. Firstly there's Christmas songs for everyone to sing, and who doesn't love a good singsong?! However, the band is down one end of the road and everyone else is spread out along the next 100 meters or so, so what you end up with is a Mexican wave of carols with everyone pretty much choosing their own tempo and sticking with it. My general rule is 'whoever's loudest is right'. We were loudest, and unfortunately for everyone else we were also 'improvising' the lyrics to some extent. Childish, yes. Still funny? Yes!

"We three kings of Orient are, one in a taxi, one in a car, one on a scooter beeping his hooter, smoking a fat cigar..."

While everyone in the crowd sings, the 'actors' saunter onto the stage. They've all had their faces blacked up a bit for some inexplicable reason, and some of the ladies go as far as fake facial hair - hilarious. What's not so funny is that the little girl cast as Mary is normally about 12 and the Joseph is a shifty 50 year old bloke. This year was no exception. The awkward cast is accompanied by the occasional donkey, and this year a horse with antlers on. You remember that horse with antlers and tinsel scarf at the birth of Jesus? Me neither. That particular abomination was soon forgotten as the whole crowd made a swift exit into the nearest pub.

Christmas was joyous as ever. The main star of the show was this cheeseboard. Let's all take a moment to admire it:

Forgive the abrupt ending to this but I can't really be bothered to write any more.

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Luce x

Alright everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height...

2011-06-18T20:36:00.001+01:00

When I try and explain my job to people they more often than not get stuck on certain facts and create this strange illusion of what my job is. When I say "I do marketing for a wine merchant", most people just pick out the keyword, "wine" and reply with "so you just get paid to get smashed?". I have now heard this so many times that I just say "Yes. my liver's in shreds, I'll be dead in a month. The staff turnover is frankly ridiculous and it's astounding the company's still in business". Normally shuts them up.

I work in marketing. It just so happens that the product the company sells is wine, and, as it's quite a good company, they like to educate their staff in the product they sell. So I recently went on a 5 day wine training trip IN BORDEAUX!! Take a moment to consider the last training trip you went on... ... that's what I thought.

Put simply, the trip was deeply brilliant and vair hilarious. And not just due to the sheer volume of wine consumed, although that did play quite a big role. We spent our time visiting endless chateaux, trying the latest vintage (2010) plus some older wines. The first day was the busiest, I think we visited 7 chateaux. If you've ever tried a very young red wine, you'll know that they are really tannic which dries out your mouth and turns your teeth black. Now imagine if you will, turning up to the last chateau of the day having already tasted 20 or so wines and having to act professionally looking like this:

My mouth was so dry that my lips had stuck to my gums, revealing my lovely black teeth. Excellent. Of course I was half cut at this point so I didn't give a shit*.

Another aspect of the trip which added many LOLs was our mode of transport. The vehicle of choice for the trip was the ironically named Espace. Never have I come across a car with such an ill-suited name. Attempting to fit 7 adults in it was problematic, mainly due to the BSc in Espace you need to have to manoeuvre the back seats without losing a hand. The journeys to and from the airport with the suitcases were like a game of extreme tetris. Not even joking, we had to stretch first. This is us:

Safe to say I'm pretty comfortable around those 7 colleagues now. Our des for the week was trip leader M, who deemed it necessary to push the E(notverymuch)space to its limits. I can only presume he was once a rally driver. I don't think we touched the brakes once. M laughs in the face of blind corners and oncoming traffic! We arrived at each chateau with a stylish handbrake turn into the driveway, kicking up a huge cloud of dust all over the vines, then stepped out of the car dripping with cold sweat looking wholly terrified (and terrifying, see the above 'wine mouth' image).

All in all, the trip was utterly fantastic; we had 4 days of tasting brilliant red, white and sweet wines and the sad thing is I'll never be able to afford any of them. Or drive like M. Or ever have white teeth again.

In other news, the housemates and I decided to have a houseparty last weekend for housemate C's birthday. We decided on a regatta theme (God knows why) and decorated the house with about 5000 miles of bunting plus a paddling pool. Excitingly, everyone took the theme quite seriously and there was an abundance of straw hats which was pleasing. Needless to say we drank a fair amount of Champagne and things like this happened:

That's piggyback polo for those not au fait with regatta themed party etiquette.

In even more exciting news, in 6 weeks from now I will be in sunny Spain! That's right, my lovely friend R and I are heading back, and this time I know how to order wine! Should be interesting. Any travel tips for Pamplona/Bilbao will be welcomed like a long lost family member.

Hasta luego,

Luce x

*If anyone from work reads this, I'd like to point out that a lot of what I write in this blog is exaggerated for comic purposes. Sadly it's necessary for me to fabricate minor details of my life in order to seem interesting which of course I am not. I was professional at all times in Bordeaux and made full use of the spittoons (except at Ch. d'yquem. Obv).

Gastric Bands and Jazz Hands

2011-04-03T14:34:00.000+01:00

Dear Greys Anatomy,

The fact that Glee has been all kinds of successful doesn't give you the right to go all 'jazz hands' and do a musical episode. Doctors don't spontaneously burst into song! They practice medicine in a serious manner! And I'm pretty sure they don't have time to rerecord the entire Snow Patrol back catalogue whilst performing surgery.

I think we should agree to pretend this episode didn't happen and leave the singing to the Glee kids. It's all they've got.

As you were, ta.

Luce x

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

2010-12-28T23:14:00.003Z

Dobrý den and bonjour!

I have recently (ish) upped my total number of countries visited this year to a whopping SEVEN (Thailand, Australia, New Zealand, Fiji, America, France and Czech Republic). Although it has been a brilliant year for travelling, sadly it may be the most travelling I will ever do. Bit depressing, really.

The Prague trip was a little spontaneous, with @hollandizzle sorting it out in about 40 minutes flat. Being the hip, happening kind of gals we are, we stayed in a penthouse apartment in the centre of Prague - fancy! In just 3 days we managed to cover everything in Prague, including the castle, changing of the guard, that weird clock thing, Dali exhibition, a cathedral, a Czech food market, a very seedy sex museum and burning through a 1300 Kroner bar bill in an Irish bar, obv.

One thing to mention - Czech people have KILLER accents when they're speaking English. Like Borat. Hilarious. I wish I had written this sooner, because I have forgotten pretty much everything else about Prague. That'll learn me.

Marjatron (mum) and I popped over to Paris in November to see Sophatron (sister). Paris being quite expensive, Soph's student house has about 1000 students in it and only 3 bedrooms, so mum and I sensibly opted for a nearby hotel. Over the following few days we ate our bodyweight in peppered steak and visited the Louvre and Musee D'Orsay, climbed the Arc de Triumphe and saw the Eiffel tower.

Didn't bother going up it though, it was absolutely pissing down. Nightmare. Due to a minor balls up on the way back we ended up in first class on the Eurostar, result!

In work news, I managed to pull off the most mortifying and embarrassing moment of my life at my very first office party. You're gonna love this... long story short, I vommed in the back of my boss' car on another collegue's lap. Classy. You literally can't make this stuff up. Needless to say I spent the rest of the weekend riding the SS Humiliation round a degrading spiral of shame. I tried to creep to my desk unnoticed on the Monday morning... the spiral of shame continued for around a week and a half. It makes me cringe even thinking about that night, and it's certainly not a memory I will cherish. And not one to be repeated. EVER.

In Jesus news, it was Christmas a few days ago. As is standard in the Christopher house, we have ploughed through INORDINATE amounts of food and the overindulgence has literally been uncontrollable.

On Christmas eve, @Miss_AmyL, @hollandizzle and I attended our local church's nativity play and lowered the tone by singing rude versions of the carols. This put us in a great mood, and we were so drunk with Christmas spirit we ended up attending midnight mass at St Paul's cathedral. Upon deciding this was on the agenda for the evening, we were rolling on the floor killing ourselves laughing because apparently this was a particularly hilarious thing to do. Not so funny when you're in a 45 minute queue in Arctic conditions with 1500 Chinese tourists just to get in to the bloody place. Anyway, having warmed up our voices earlier in the night, we treated the 2000-strong congregation to a stunning rendition of Silent Night, then left half an hour in because it was getting a bit dull. One thing worth mentioning about the service; during one of the prayers one of the vicars...

...was banging on about how it's great that people work hard etc then he said "may those who do not [work hard] be struck down". You heard it here first: work hard, lest you BE STRUCK DOWN!!

On that slightly harsh note, we draw to a close. That about sums up my life for the last 4 months.

You're welcome.
Luce x

#12: Take heed, fame whores.

2010-09-29T22:58:00.000+01:00

Dear Celebrities,

Having gained fame and notoriety in your chosen field, be it music, film or sport, it's pretty safe to say you're doing OK for yourself having been deemed a 'sleb. This considered, why then do you feel the need to release your own brand crappy products onto the unsuspecting public? I'm talking about perfumes, bags, clothes, make up, and other various tat that isn't even worth mentioning. I'm talking this crap:

Just by looking at you, Avril Lavigne, I can tell you smell like a dirty prostitute. Why in God's name would I want to smell like you? Also you're image confuses me. Are you a punk or are you going to make an effort to make that pink dress work because at the moment none of what you've got going on there works for me. So in summary, Lavigne, I won't be buying your perfume, but at least you have your wildly successful pop career to fall back on......

This make up is by Nicola Roberts, the ginger one off of Girls Aloud. I can only assume she created this range due to there not being any on the market suitable for skin so pale it's almost translucent. Just because Cheryl is busy being successful, doesn't mean you need to fill the time 'til Girls Aloud's next work of audio delight. Back in your box.

REALLY!??!

To conclude: stick to what you're good at. Just because you may have enough money to launch your own range of, say, bendy straw, doesn't mean you should.

Good day.
Luce x

...And God created Saturn, and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

2010-09-12T14:45:00.001+01:00

I haven't written for ages due to pure laziness, so forgive me if this isn't a literary masterpiece as per usual.

Since last post, my friends and I have been trying to become slightly more cultured seeing as we are essentially children with jobs and cars. To remedy this we decided to go for a posh breakfast at Fortnum and Mason where we managed to hold it together and behave in an orderly fashion. I put this down to the fact that it was at a single figure hour and most of us were half asleep.

After several pints of coffee we were ready and raring to go and had a little stroll down the Mall and watched the changing of the guard, which shockingly none of us Londoners had seen before! To be fair a bit of trotting in place is hardly worth shouting about so we wrestled through the massive crowd of camera-wielding Asians and powered down Southbank to the Tate Modern. The art was dull so this happened:

And this...

What larks.

I have also recently been to the theatre. As I am frequently mistaken for a dancer myself, I thought I would relate to the giselle-like elegance of the graceful ballerinas.....turns out Billy Elliot is a fella. Ah well, it was still good fun, and although it was hugely lacking in tights in the costume department, it more than made up for it with swearing.

Fans of my life (read: my immediate family) will know that it was my birthday last weekend. As a little treat, @hollandizzle and I hit the mean malls of Bluewater for a spot of spontaneity. After being pleasantly surprized by Zara's FAB a/w collection, we somehow ended up in the cinema where we watched Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. I think we gave it a whopping 3.5/5 which is fairly good on our picky scale. Quote of the movie "you punched me in the boob!".....quite. That evening @Miss_AmyL, L, D, S, S and I hit a supercool restaurant in Blackheath for some proper nosh and cocktails. YUM!!

Developments in the workplace: I have finally started my wine course! Hurrah! In light of this, here are some basic wine facts that you may or may not know:

You can make white wine from a red grape, but not red wine from a white grape.
Champagne is made from a blend of pinot noir, pinot meunier and chardonnay.
Italy is the world's largest producer of wine.

Fascinating. I feel these are facts that might serve you well in a pub quiz. You're welcome.

Recently at the gym I have developed a method which helps me run further. I call it "The Monty Python Method" and it involves simply listening to my collection of Python sketches whilst running. The concentration required in not laughing to yourself and looking somewhat bizarre on the running machine outweighs the concentration it takes to actually run, ergo you run further. I will try this method until I am (to quote Python's Mr Creosote sketch) wafer thin.

...um....goodbye.

Luce x

#10: Things you don't know if you know, you know?

2010-07-21T22:05:00.000+01:00

I have always wondered if people who can't sing know they can't sing. Having watched countless episodes of X Factor makes me think not. Some snotty little princess warbling her way through an emotional Mariah Carey ballad and hitting, at most, 3 notes is genuinely shocked when Simon Cowell starts digging into her (Do I think it was brilliant? No. Honestly that was one of the worst performances I have ever heard). So if you can't hear that your voice is like fingernails down a chalkboard, you don't know you're making ears bleed until someone tells you! Having said that, how many people will you meet who actually have the stones to tell you you've got a shit voice?!

Another thing I don't know if you would know, is if you were cross eyed. If wonky looks straight then would your wonky eyes look normal?! I was once speaking to a cross eyed person who came out with "I used to be cross eyed". It took all my self control to slap a concerned look on my face and come up with "oh.... really?". What I was really thinking was "USED TO BE?........USED???". So I just assumed a caring family member/hilarious practical joker had told her she wasn't boss eyed any more, when clearly one eye was looking at me and one was looking for me.

So for all I know, I could be a tone deaf, cross-eyed person! Someone let me know, I'd rather I knew the truth.

Luce x

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

2010-06-28T23:14:00.001+01:00

Now that I am an agonizingly important executive type I have begun to develop my new "work voice" due to my dulcet Bromley accent not lending well to a serious career in marketing. It is a cross between the Queen's English, the aimless mumblings of a wino and the howls of a dog in pain. I'll let you know how it intermingles with my regular, civilian life.

Last time I wrote I was enthusing over the impending Summer Ball and I'm happy to report it was a triumph, and I also managed a PB while I was at it, nothing if not impressive: I managed to stand in my 6 inch heels for SEVEN HOURS! Couldn't walk the next day, but still, champion.

In work news, I survived a six course wine club dinner where I was introduced to one of the nicest people I ever had the pleasure of meeting. H was seated next to me at the dinner table, and despite our age difference (47 years) we got on like a house on fire. We discussed everything from ballet to music and even glossed over wine. Since then work has calmed down a bit and I'm slowly starting to get the hang of things due to an effective blend of training courses and actual real life work!

Last last weekend AH and I decided to go on a one day epic adventure! Our first port of call was Bromley Ski Centre, obviously. I've never skied before so clearly this would be a sensible plan. Turns out the ski centre was all about safety first and didn't let me anywhere near the skis let alone the slopes. We weren't put off, we went down the road about 20 meters and decided to try our hand at golf. Turns out it's pretty hard, but after 50 balls I managed to get a few shots dangerously close to the 100 meter net, so if this job doesn't work out I'll go pro (at golf).

Fouuuuuuuuur!

In World Cup news, England crashed out of the final 16 due to them being absolutely rubbish at football. All I have learnt from watching a few matches is that Diego Maradona has Jeremy Beadle arms and Fabio Capello looks like Postman Pat.

.......and on that note I'm outta here!

Toodles.

Luce x

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

2010-06-03T20:09:00.000+01:00

A lot has happened since the last post which has made for an exciting change of pace, lifestyle-wise! You may recall from my last post that I managed to secure a job as a marketing exec at a very upmarket wine and spirit merchant. Vair vair exciting. Since the interview I have had 2 weeks of rigorous physical and mental preparation so I could arrive in tip top shape. If this blog was a film, those 2 weeks would be a montage, like the one in Rocky, culminating in me running up the stairs of Bromley library all sweaty and end with a cheesy, Murder She Wrote-style freeze-frame of me with a book on marketing and an Angela Lansbury grin. Eye of the tiger!

So it was a bit of a whirlwind 2 weeks but in that time I managed to get a house share sorted and move from London to Basingstoke. I started my job last Monday and I can't believe I've been there almost two weeks, although I did have a jammy bank holiday weekend this week! As is normal when you start a new job, I hardly know anything and have massive brain overload when people try and explain something that will probably, in a few months, be second nature! So at the moment I'm stumbling my way through proofing, learning about wine and even writing emails and my pronunciation of French wines is nothing short of comedy.

Classy.

At the moment, it feels like it's going to be the best job ever, in my first week I got a free bottle of gin and did a wine tasting on my break. In reality I will more than likely die of a hideous liver disease in a puddle of my own wine-vom. I'd say my job is as dangerous if not more so than your average police officer.

Coming up in the near future: This weekend I'm revisiting Canterbury for the Summer Ball, Florence and the Machine are playing so that should be good. On Monday I have managed to blag a ticket to a nobby wine club dinner at the oldest wine cellars in London and Wednesday I'm back to the same cellars for general hob-nobbery.

I will leave you with this thought: How weird is the phrase "much of a muchness"?!

Tutty bye,

Luce x

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

2010-05-11T20:31:00.000+01:00

Now that I have been plunged back into the doom and gloom of harsh reality, I realise I am going to have to try harder to make these posts interesting, there's only so much I can write about watching TV solidly for a week. You may find this hard to believe, but before I went away I sometimes elaborated slightly when recalling details of my life for blog purposes. Slightly.

So I arrived at Heathrow at around midday on Sunday which was around 4am L.A. time. Let's just say my body clock didn't have a clue what was going on and where I envisioned a Love Actually style entrance into the arrivals lounge, it was more like a confused stumble into the parental unit who were waiting for me! In addition to our parents, A and I were greeted by two of our friends, A and S, which was a nice surprise! On the way home I recalled various hilarious tales from around the world for the parental's entertainment, couldn't help thinking I sounded a bit like this:

.....then I just chundered, EVERYWHERE! So I got home only to be told there was to be a party! Excellent! S made "Welcome home Lucy" cupcakes which got absolutely demolished, there were several screenings of my skydive DVD and the afternoon was a raging success. The only complaint was from N who disapproved of the lack of giant Jenga, which is normally featured heavily at Christopher parties, we enjoy giant, outdoor versions of games. Tends to get a bit competitive though. Awkward...

Since the party I have been catching up on essential tasks like watching all the Grey's Anatomy I missed while I was away. Then Glee. Now Dexter. Have become quite the couch potato, not a good look. Have also been walking a friend's dogs. On one such walk the other day, however, disaster struck! Only dropped my iPhone and smashed it, didn't I! God's sake. It shreds my fingers to pieces when I use it now, but at least it works. Every cloud.

Further excitement. I have a job! Hurrah! I was invited to an interview for a marketing position at a wine merchant and only bloody got it! Slight down side is that I have to move to Basingstoke, but I have a flat viewing on Sunday so fingers crossed! Also going to buy a car which is quite exciting! I start on Monday 24th so until then I'll be shopping for work clothes, a car and a flat and learning what the hell marketing is! Joke.

It's all go!

Luce x

#9: Mysteries of posing for photos.

2010-05-07T17:45:00.001+01:00

Having spent the last three months travelling the world I have understandably been using my camera more often than I normally would. In New Zealand, for example, you are more likely to see a glacier or mountain than you are in, say, Bromley. Therefore you would rarely find me without a camera gripped firmly in my sweaty hand. I have no problem taking pictures of scenery, I even managed to take a few panoramic shots which could easily have been mistaken for professional photos, my issue is posing for pictures. Accordingly, I will be discussing the following: what is the correct way to pose for a picture?

The simplest method is the basic 'stand and smile' pose, but even this is rife with difficulties. Aside from the smiling, you also have to hold all your wobbly bits in so a chubby situation is avoided. Excellent. The real problem I have now is what to do with your arms, and by this point you've got facial cramps to contend with because you've been smiling for too long. So do you go for a hands on hips look, or one hand on hip? If so what do you do with the other arm, just let it hang there like an orang-utan? I often make the mistake of putting my arm round the nearest person, who is normally taller than me, so I look like I'm trying to climb them, rather than embrace them. By this point I usually give up and go for a comedy pose, which is not becoming at a formal event. If, by this point in the pose, you're still smiling, you have your legs to arrange, if they are to be included in the composition. I don't have a clue what to do with them and to be honest I normally forget they're even attached to me. Resulting in many inappropriate pictures of me like this:

or this...

One thing I like about taking pictures of other people, other than me not being involved in them, is the second after the flash goes where everyone lets their stomach go and the smiles disappear and at least one person says "I blinked, do it again". If your camera does two flashes, you're sometimes lucky enough to capture this hideous moment. A little trick I like to try every now and again is to pretend to take a picture of a group of people but actually film it, and see how long they will stand and smile for. It results in quite a funny video!

I'm determined to discover the secrets to posing without looking stupid. I may tweet Tyra Banks for advice.

Wish me luck,

Luce x

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

2010-04-29T22:57:00.000+01:00

I'm back! The nation rejoices and niceties at the beginning of blog posts resume! Hello there! How are you? You're looking well! Lost weight? Ahh lovely!

In the last chapter of the adventures of Lucy, we left our devastatingly good looking main character and her hunchbacked sidekick, A, in Wellington in New Zealand. Having dominated the North Island, we jumped on a boat and sailed the seven seas down to the South Island which we were told was the better looking of the two islands, the Megan Fox of islands if you will. We joined our new bus group headed by driver Spud and our first stops were Nelson and Westport where we had a massive BBQ and bonfire on the beach complete with toasted marshmallows all supplied by Spud who had established himself as a bit of a legend of the Kiwi circuit. The next day we were to stay at one of the most random stops of the NZ tour, the Poo Pub. Owned by a moody 80 year old bloke with a beard down to his shoulders and a deep hatred for the young travellers he entertains every night of the week. Said miserable elder was to be the host of our 'cartoon, hero and villain' themed party that night. Joy unbounded. It actually turned out to be quite a fun evening with a variety of weird and wonderful costumes. A and I went as robbers. Stripy t-shirt, bit of face paint - done. Behold...

Everyone was a bit worse for wear the next day. Spud decided the best thing for this was to take us to a weird museum about different deer catching methods. It was essentially a museum of men showing just how manly they could be, with the most hardcore deer catchers jumping out of moving helicopters onto the poor deer's back. Is it just me or does this particular method seem a little OTT?

The next stop was Franz Josef where we had booked an 8 hour trek up a glacier! Got kitted up into some super stylish and oversized cold weather gear. As I had a bit of a cold and was feeling rough as a badger's arse, A, J, A and I opted for the last group, later named "Team Extreme".....uuuuh, yeah. Had a great day! We had so squeeze through some tiny tunnels and caves and climb up stairs carved into the ice. The views were amazing even though it was overcast and our team leader, Zak, was a really nice guy, and very informative, despite being ginger.

On the way to Queenstown there were loads of scenic stops such as Lake Matherson which showed a perfect reflection of the mountains and Fox Glacier behind it until some dickhead threw a rock in it. There's always one. In Wanaka A took everyone's advice and signed up for a skydive. Hurrah! She loved it and even managed to not dribble on her guy, which I'm pretty jealous of, I slobbered like Beethoven (the dog, not the acclaimed German composer). We had a great night out in Queenstown with the whole bus group, and experienced the famous Ferg Burger which was probably the best burger I've ever had! As we were quite pushed for time, we had a bit of a whirlwind trip back up to Christchurch. Along the way we stopped at Lakes Pukaki and Tikapo and saw Mount Cook in the background which was some of the most stunning scenery of the whole trip:

Whizzed round Christchurch in a day, nothing spectacular. OK, I'm not proud of it, but we did end up sleeping in the airport that night. Our flight was at silly o'clock in the morning, so we just decided to get there 7 hours early rather than shell out for another night in the hostel. Saved $28. Result. Also learned that I'm not cut out to be a tramp, far too uncomfortable. We had around 12 hours in Auckland then left for Fiji!

We stayed in Nadi in Fiji for 5 days in a 34 bed dorm with air con so cold it could freeze the nipples off a polar bear. 5 days in the baking sun was enough to give me a tan most people at home would be jealous of, which was the objective of the stop in Fiji, which STA threw in for free. I looked slightly Ethiopian. We saw some fire dancing and poi stuff in the evenings and I developed a tanning scale which ranged from 'Beyonce before she gets airbrushed' to 'full blown African'. Onwards, to San Diego....

Having defied all laws of time, we actually arrived in LA before we set off from Fiji. Yes, I am a time lord. Dr Lou. Got down to San Diego and went out to meet some of A's cousin E's friends. We were introduced to some new drinking games like beer pong and flip cup. Fun times! The next day we went to Seaworld to meet Shamu and friends. The Shamu show was good but since one of the whales in Florida munched on a girl who stuck her ponytail too near the water, the trainers didn't get in the water with the whales which was a bit of a shame. We saw the pet show where dogs/cats/pigs/birds etc. were so well trained they could do things I can't even do! The sealion show was brilliant. They did a series of sketches based on TV shows like dancing with the stars and CSI which was really clever. Went on the rollercoaster. Twice. Oh yeah! Had a Mexican for dinner. Amazing. The food over there is ridiculously huge, thus the huge people.

Left San Diego for a hostel in West Hollywood and promptly went out, it being a bit of a shithole. Found a nice shopping place called The Grove where we had a little nosey round Abercrombie and Barnes and Noble and had a little go on the new Apple iPad which is unbelievably cool, but essentially just an expensive toy. WANT ONE!! Universal studios the next day was amazing! We did the studio tour, got splashed by Jaws, felt an earthquake and went down Wisteria Lane from Desperate Housewives!! We met all the characters, Simpsons, Shrek etc. and went on all the rides, it was such a fun way to end the trip. On our last day we got on the bus to go to Hollywood Boulevard and on the way Darth Vader decided to get on the bus too:

Bit weird, but I suppose what with the Death Star being all blown up and all, he's got to get around some how! We saw the walk of fame and Graumann's Chinese Theatre. All very touristy and chocka full of Chinese who were apparently trying to get a picture with every single star and handprint available!

Phew! That concludes this particular trip. We flew home the next day, back to sunny London and in my case a surprise party at Chez Christopher, complete with family and friends and 'welcome home Lucy' cupcakes made by the increasingly French S. What a great way to be welcomed back!

Expect my next post to be very boring in comparison to the last 4!

Lucy - Intrepid Explorer x

You think England's green? You haven't been to New Zealand.

2010-03-30T10:15:00.000+01:00

Ok I realise I haven't written for about 20 days and I have a lot to get down so let's not waste time with niceties....

We had around 4 more days in Sydney, during that time we went to see a rugby match at the ANZ stadium. Now as interested as I am in watching an impressive show of spoting achievement, this is not the main reason rugby entices me. It was a really good match and the Roosters won 36-10, but I couldn't help but notice that both teams (Rabbitohs and Roosters) had fairly crap names. A rugby team called the rabbits?! You may as well call them the fairies. It's not a tickling competition, boys, man up.

We took our last overnight bus of the trip (thank God) down to Melbourne where we stayed with M, the Dad of the family we stayed with in Sydney. He had just moved into a brand new luxury appartment in the center of Melbourne with amazing views of the docklands and a pool and gym. Lovely. Went for a lovely long walk round the docklands where Melbourne fashion week was being held. All the buildings are really modern and all the big appartments have really cool designs so I took about a million pictures. We visited Batman Park for pure comedy value the next day. We didn't meet Mr Wayne himself, but there were plenty of robins!!! Geddit!?!?! Trotted along the Southbank to Eureka tower where we went up to the 88th floor to see the best views of Melbourne. It's such a nice city, so clean and such a nice atmosphere, like London, but nicer.   Headed to Federation Square where we went to see an exhibition on how films are made. There was everything from old school lightboxes to the bullet-time cameras used to film The Matrix. We made our own Matrix jump scene. It was horrifying. There was also a section on the history of computer games and an animation section which featured some of the original Toy Story sketches and an original Pong machine. We went outside to watch a fashion show that was just starting. Before we even sat down some people from Loreal came over and asked us to do an interview on camera, us being such stylish individuals. They asked us about perfume and I told them what they were smelling was a limited edition "Traveller" scent. Pungent, stings the nostrils! The next day we took a tram over the iMax to watch Alice in Wonderland in 3D. I've never seen a 3D film before so that was quite cool, but the film was average. 5/10 - Lucy, self appointed film critic. Had a bit of an urge to do some exercise the next day so walked to docklands where there is the Olympic ice rink. A few triple Salchos did the trick. Went out for dinner and drinks with M. Not gonna lie, got a bit drunk but had to act natural. The result was probably like watching Amy Winehouse trying to talk her way out of a parking ticket. Not a good look. A little off topic but M called us blokes for the few days we stayed with him. We weren't sure if he thought we were guys or just didn't understand the word. We chose to believe the latter, and sniggered every time he said "what are you blokes up to today?"!

Had a quick flight to New Zeland but somehow it was 11pm by the time we got there. We had booked our first night in Auckland while at home and at the time had decided to shell out a bit extra for what was showed to us to be a little lap of luxury with little extras like towels, shampoo, moisturiser, straighteners etc. Turns out they had taken exageration to a whole new level, because it was nothing like the picture they showed us. The room was really crowded and the showers were some of the worst I've seen on the whole trip. We decided to visit the museum the next day but where we arrived, after a very long walk, we discovered it was a compulsary $10 donation to get in which made no sense at all, so we left. Had a really long walk round the whole of Auckland and went back to the same hostel and checked into a normal dorm room which turned out to be nicer than our "luxury" room.

We were up at 7am for the start of our trip on the Kiwi Experience bus. Had a packed out bus mainly of English or English speaking people- hurrah! First stop on a the trip was up a volcano which had amazing 360 degree views of Auckland.  Cruised up the coast to Cathedral Cove where we did a 40 min hill walk and chilled at the cove for a bit before continuing to Mercury Bay. The Kiwi Experience bus is not just a tour bus, the drivers are like tour guides. If they see something they think might be interesting, they tell you all about it, and if you drive through a town they tell you all about the history of it. The next day we had another early start and went for a walk round some old gold mines includng through some pitch black caves. Stopped in Matamata (also called Hobbiton) and got a picture with a statue of Gollum. it was the town where some of Lord of the Rings was filmed so the surrounding scenery was all a bit 'middle earth', except the Subway where we got lunch. We carried on to Rotarua and some people jumped off at the geothermal park, we continued on down the road to a mountain which had tracks on it for luges. Got a gondola to the top then threw ourselves down it on various tracks at breakneck speeds! It was brilliant! Back to the hostel for a quick turnaround before heading out to a Maori tribe's village. The evening started with a traditional tribal welcome challenge. Our coach's "chief", along with 3 others, were challenged by the Maori warriors who came out of nowhere screaming, sticking out their eyes and tongues and brandishing weapons. Don't know about you but that's not how I greet guests. It was a bit scary. We looked round their village and they showed us various games they play and where they live. They then put on a show of traditional Maori songs and dance and poi. It was brilliant and the haka is quite scary up close! We then had a massive dinner cooked in a hungi (sp?) which is an underground pit heated with volcanic rocks which get up to 900 degrees and don't break. Cultural!  There was lamb and chicken and fish - oh my! One of the waiters came over to explain the deserts to our table. He said one of them was similar to spotted dick, but without the raisins. I said "it's just dick then?". He left. On the way home our driver made us entertain him by representing our countries and singing when he shouted them out. The majority of the bus was English and we cracked out a stunning rendition of don't look back in anger by Oasis, most other countries sang their national anthem. When it was the Ozzie's turn, the driver beeped the horn and turned off all the lights til she stopped. The Kiwis really don't like the Ozzies! Packed day!

On the way to Waitomo the next day we stopped so a few people could do zorbing which looked quite fun. We had a black water rafting trip booked so had another quick turnaround at the hostel and went staight to the caves where it was held. Got into our (hideously unflattering) wetsuits and picked a rubber tube. We then spent 3 hours going through underwater rapids in the caves in our tube. We had to do a few jumps of some waterfalls which was a bit scary! Halfway through we turned off all the lights on our helmets (yeah, fit) and looked up and there were millions of glow worms on the roof of the cave. It was such a fun trip especially at the end where we had to find our way out through the rapids in the dark. As sad as we were to part with our lovely wetsuits, we were glad we had them because the water was absolutely freezing!

Started the day with yet another walk through some caves and forest then headed to possibly one of the most random trips ever - Angora rabbit shearing! Two crazy ladies tied up a rabbit and sheared it. Fairly bizare. Then went for another walk around the Huka Falls which was really nice and the waterfall was a really wierd bright blue colour which was cool. For some reason I had signed myself up to be chucked out of a plane so went tot he skydive center to discuss times. Booked in for 12 the next day. Was shitting my pants.

Got to the skydive center and was showed a DVD and decided it would be a good idea to sign up for the biggest jump along with DVD and photos package, all for a bargain $500. Got kitted out in some fairly unflattering red jumpsuit and harnesses and had them tightened up good and proper! We then met the blokes who we would be potentially dying with that day. My guy was called Amos and he was built like a tank.  I found this reassuring then realised no matter how big he was, we would still be flat as a pancake if the parachute didn't open! There was 25 minute flight up to 15000ft which was nice and Amos and I had a nice little natter. We then got all attached together and it was really really tight, like a tiger. Then in no time it was our turn. I was last so had the pleasure of seeing everyone else plummet towards the ground. I sat on the edge of the plane which was quite surreal and had to put my head back.  I waited for a countdown, but no we were off! The only part that was scary was the first split second when you realise you've just jumped out of a plane. After that it was absolutely amazing. We had a minute of freefall at around 200km/h where we fell 10000ft. It felt like flying and was over way too quick, I even forgot about the parachute because I was having so much fun! After the parachute opened it was so peaceful and the views were spectacular. New Zealand is beautiful and we could see the whole north island and we were directly over Lake Taupo and Mount Doom (from Lord of the Rings) was not far away. I had a go at steering which was fun. It was all over way too quick and I would love to do it again! Went to a natural spa in the evening to celebrate.

hey Superman, ther's someone on your back!

Left Taupo and went for a 2hr walk round the national park. The park is on a faultline so ther were loads of volcanos and mountains, including Mount Doom. We walked to a walked behind a waterfall and saw even more of the stunning scenery. Continued to River Valley which is in the middle of absolutely nowhere but we stopped there for some people to do white water rafting. Left the next day for Wellington where we were staying with friends of A's, so had to say goodbye to our friends on the bus. Spent a day in Wellington where we saw the parliament building and spent most of the day in Te Papa museum where there were loads of exhibitions including an earthquake simulator and a Maori history exhibition. Was a really good day, epecially as the museum was free!

We have heard from many people that the scenery in the south island is even more spectacualr than it is here which I am finding very hard to believe. I'll have to let you know....

As they say here in New Zealand, "sweet as, bro!". Over and out.

Luce x

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

2010-03-10T00:00:00.000Z

Greetings girls and boys and otherwise confuseds! Here for your viewing pleasure is 2 weeks worth of travel update.

Last time I wrote I was in Airlie Beach and it was raining, boo. We took this as a sign to leave and hot footed it to the next Greyhound which was headed for 1770. Due to some epic flooding we couldn't get through to 1770 and had to wait in a place called Bunderburg (Battenburg to us). We sat in McDonalds for 5 hours with 3 other travellers asking the locals if they liked battenburg cake. Our hilarity was lost on them. Actually managed to get to 1770 about 8 hours later and checked into a very chilled out hostel called Cool Bananas.

The next day we booked to go on a trip on the scooteroos which are mini Harley Davidson scooters. It took a few minutes to get used to but after that we dominated the streets of Agnes Waters and 1770 for about 3 hours before stopping for some potato wedges on the beach at 1770. I have already informed my Dad that his Vespa is not safe when I get home! I would fully recommend the Scooteroos to anyone going to 1770 or Agnes Waters, it was so much fun!

Decided to borrow some body boards from the hostel because lets face it, how hard can it be.... Got wiped out by a wave about as high as my knee so got out and sunbathed as it seems to be what I do best. Trotted about and found a place that did those old school slush puppies where you squirt the flavour in. So cool, took me back to primary school times!

Our next stop was Rainbow Beach where we booked a 3 day self drive 4x4 trip to Fraser Island. 4x4's are obviously so incredibly dangerous that they require a 2 hour briefing from Crocodile Dundee who we had the honor of meeting the day before the trip. This guy was the epitome of Australia, he was just so funny and was clear to point out all the dangers we would encounter on Fraser, namely dingos and sand. What I found most funny during the briefing was his inability to call anything by its real name, e.g. he was talking about bumps in the sand which can be hard to drive over, he didn't call them bumps, he called them whoopdie-doos. He said "when it comes to the whoopdies, just don't be a bunch of dicks!". Vair amusant. His foolproof method to get rid of the dingos was just to run at them and shout FUCK OFF DINGOS. We later learnt that this worked extremely well. During the briefing we were also put into our groups for the trip, we were with 3 Israeli guys and 3 Germans. At first I wasn't amused by this lairy fruit salad of cultures but A told me to stop being so small minded all the time, so I had to suck it up! We ended up hanging out with our group for most of the evening and thankfully they turned out to all be really nice apart from one of the Germans but I suppose you can't have everything! We had to wake up at some ungodly hour the next day for yet another briefing. Not sure why they called it a briefing, there was nothing brief about it! Finally got underway and headed along the bumpiest sand track in the world towards Lake McKenzie on Fraser Island. It was without a doubt the nicest lake I've seen, it looked like a picture on a postcard! We hung out there for the rest of the day, swimming, sunbathing and learning some choice German and Hebrew phrases from the people in our group. I decided to shout out one of these new German phrases to a tour group of elderly Germans. The phrase was "weil ich eine schlampe bin, bin ich schwanger" which means: I'm pregnant because I'm a slag! Needless to say we got some funny looks. Very funny, or zehr lustig auf Deutsch! Spent the rest of the day setting up camp and by the time had our tents up it was pitch black and we had to cook in the dark. Nightmare. Gave it our best effort then cracked out the goon! Over the next 2 days on the island we visited Indian Head and Lake Wobby and had beach parties on the beach at night, was a very fun trip, followed by the best shower ever!

In Noosa we learnt that we really need to start prebooking stuff, although it feels more rock n roll to turn up with no reservation! Noosa has a cool European town feel to it so we spent most of the day mooching round the shops and eying up the posh cafes. In a minor fit of forward thinking, we actually made sandwiches for our all day bus the next day! Got to Byron and due to no booking had to wonder the street for somewhere to stay, felt like a pack horse with all my bags! Finally checked into a hostel called Aquarius. Chilled in the bar listening to the live music that night which was nice. Rained so much the next day. Strolled round the shops and got absolutely soaked so took refuge in an internet cafe. The rain didn't die down so got soaked on the way back too! Then in a moment of awe inspiring spontaneity, A decided to get a tattoo! She got a little Aquarius sign, which just happens to be her star sign AND the place we were staying in! Pub quiz in the eve. Lost.

Left Byron for Coffs Harbour. Decided to explore and got drenched, why do we even bother!? Luckily our hostel was very chilled out and put on a load of films which was cool. There were 4 other girls in our dorm that night who were all a little bit weird, I was clearly reading my book but they asked to turn the light off at 11pm which was a bit rude! Our Greyhound the next day wasn't until 1am so we had a pretty long wait. Now I'm not one to name names but in this case I'm going to. If you find yourself in Aussitel hostel in Coffs Harbour you better hope Frank is off sick! Considering our bus wasn't until 1am, he wouldn't let us stay in the hostel past 9pm unless we paid for another night. Fair enough if that's your policy but he was a massive nob about it! Rant over.

Overnight bus to Sydney was ok. A slept all the way so was perky when we got there, I looked like I'd been dragged through a bush backwards. Met up with C, a friend of A's and chilled at his house until we went to J's house where we are staying. It's in Campbelltown on the outskirts of Sydney. Had dinner with her family. It's so nice to be in a house again! Went shopping in Sydney the next day with C, met up with J and her friends for sushi. Went to a bar in Camden with J and her sister A that eve. More shopping for outfits for our impeding big night out in Kings Cross. Bought a black skirt and top combo and borrowed some heels. We hit World Bar and Candys and it was a pretty messy evening. The next day we had our very first proper Aussie BBQ at C's house. It was epic, there was all kinds of meat and salad and pasta. I put on about a stone that day. K, A and C took us to the Blue Mountains and we were happy to find that they do touristy things at our kind of speed, pretty quick! We were having a coffee in the cafe within half an hour of arriving! This brings us to yesterday! We headed into Sydney in a touristy frame of mind! We went to Darling Harbour, the Chinese Gardens (where I got dolled up as a geisha- hilarious), the opera house, the Harbour Bridge and the botanical gardens. It was what you might call a whirlwind tour of Sydney! Went for a Chinese with K and C to celebrate!

That's all for now travel fans!

Luce x

The hairs on my arms have gone blonde, does that entitle me to more fun?

2010-02-18T02:10:00.000Z

Last time I wrote, we were in Thailand. Turns out Asia is soooo last week so we have moved on to Australia. I'll just sum up the rest of Thailand and get cracking on Oz...

We spent most of the rest of our time in Thailand in Koh Samui. Apart from numerous sunbathing hours, we booked a half day adventure trip thing which went as follows...

Got pickled up in our favourite truck taxi and went to pick up some others. Only bloody Germans weren't they!? Had to fight the urge to shout various choice Deutsch phrases that I know. Headed to an elephant trekking place first. Don't know if you know but elephants are HUGE! We let zee Germans go first so that if the elephants fancied eating someone it would be them. We named our elephant James. I asked our guide if James was a famous elephant because it seemed as if james was shying away from a previously glitzy showbiz lifestyle. I suggested that he might have been the real Dumbo from the film. Our guide didn't know, pretty useless as a guide really. Riding an elephant is quite frankly terrifying and a very bumpy ride. We kept thinking we were going to fall off. The best part of the trek was when our elephant overtook the German's elephant. I think it was James' idea of a reminder to the Germans that England won the war. I could be wrong. A and I obviously flashed the V's as we rode victoriously past on showbiz James! Got back and fed james some bananas as a prize for thwarting zee Deutsch in an attempt to start an elephant based WW3. Next we headed to a Thai cooking course where we learnt how to make a yellow curry which was so spicy I couldn't finish it! Thai's have no respect for my delecate palate. The Germans were really rude and nearly shit themselves with laughter when it was suggested they didn't know what garlic was. We then saw a trained monkey picking cocnuts from a tree and learnt how to make cocnut milk. Essentially you squeeze coconut but with the language barrier it took about 15 mins to explain. Next stop was a waterfall whic was really nice. Germans complained it wasn't high enough. I learnt a lot about Thai culture that day, I also learnt not to go to Germany.

On the last day in Thailand we went back to Bangkok and spent our remaining Baht on Khao San road. Again refused the ping pong show but enjoyed the promoter's desperate attempts to get people to go by making sound effects.

Australia
Managed to blag an upgrade for our transfer from Sydney to Cairns! I think it was our dirty clothes and dazed 'I've been awake all night' looks that gave away our vast business acumen which led to the upgrade. There was a rugby team on our flight to Cairns (hello!) and we realized we were possibly put in business class to keep us away from them. Got to Cairns and dumped our stuff in the hostel and went for a wonder. Cairns is a nice place but a little weird, bit like a ghost town with no one about really. Strange mix of shops too, Louis Vuitton next to some crap tourist shop. Headed back and did the pub quiz with some guys and girls we met earlier. Didn't win. Nightmare.
Headed tot he lagoon which is a massive open air swimming pool which overlooks the sea. there are massive BBQ areas which fire up twice a day for anyone to use. We said if those were in England they would be vandalized within seconds. Take note English nation! Cairns was full of Chinese people today. Now I don't wanna sound racist or anything (I know I went to town on zee Deutsch, above) but they're just weird. They do everything in large groups, i.e. shopping, walking moving. I said excuse me to a group who were apparently so tight knit that some of them were actually holding hands, and they didn't just part like the red sea, they moved to one side and made me go round them, they were like a school of fish! Next week on "Lucy's racist rant", the Polish! I jest.
Booked a day trip to go sailing to green island. Early start, headed straight to the marina, felt very "Ralph Lauren photoshoot". Took about 2 hours to get there and I got a tiny bit sea sick. The crew were really nice and it didn't hurt that the scuba instructor was HOT! We snorkelled on the reef for about 2 hours which was great, we found Nemo which I think was a relief to everyone. At lunch time 'scuba Rob' threw some chicken in the sea and a load of sharks turned up! I threw half my lunch in the sea in all the excitement! Jumped on a speed boat to green island and spent a few hours on the beach. The wind was good or something, so we put the sails up on the way back and sailed which was fun. Had dinner with people from the hostel then ended up in a bar called the Woolshed which was loads of fun.
Magnetic Island was ok. We got there and found out the island wasn't actually magnetic which earned it the title of "inappropriately named Island". There was nothing to do there! We search for a rumoured waterfall but couldn't find it. Thank God we only booked 2 nights there.

We are now in Airlie beach and it is raining boo! A and I are quickly discovering that we are city girls at heart and are really looking forward to Sydney in a few weeks! We are heading to 1770 later today.

Over and out,

Luce (Sheila) xx

I can't remember the last time I wasn't covered in sand!

2010-02-03T14:09:00.000Z

We're here! In Thailand! Our round the world trip has finally kicked off and in style!

Day 1:

Arrived in Bangkok and after a minor visa based confusion we hopped in a taxi with a couple of random Swedish girls and headed for Koh San Road. Got hugely lost looking for our hotel but eventually found it (it was massive and obvious but we are clearly blind). Dumped the bags and had a wonder round Koh San Road and the surrounding area, it was a bit of a culture shock, A didn't like the smell and felt uncomfortable but I found it quite exciting and felt quite safe in the chilled out environment, maybe I'm naive?! We stopped for some noodles for an absolute bargain about 3 pounds for both of us and had another wonder. Later in the evening we were approached by a man offering a ping pong show I said to him "I take sport quite seriously and I think what you have done to the noble sport of table tennis is a mockery and a shambles! When she can hold a little bat and offer a rally of some description then maybe I will be interested. I suppose you would be worried about losing the bat? You may want to reconsider your career choice. Good day sir". It became apparent about 3 words into that little speech that "ping pong show" was the extent of the bloke's English, so I pretended I saw someone I knew and hurried off.

Day 2 and 3:

Went to the main train station bright and early to try and book an overnight train to Koh Samui. Obviously they were all booked up so we opted for an overnight bus, problem was we were 7 hours early for it and there wasn't much to do in the surrounding area. We trotted down to the nearest temple and a quick look but that took about 20 mins so didn't make much of a dent in the time! Decided to go for noodles and generally hang out in the station. One thing that was odd, at 6pm everyone suddenly stopped what they were doing and stood up for the national anthem. I had heard about this happening otherwise I probably would have thought it was a flash mob or new T-mobile advert! It's scary how much they love their King here. I was told that if you drop a note on the floor and tread on it you can be arrested for treading on the king's face and a Bridget Jones Thai prison scenario would ensue. Although everyone knows that to get out of a Thai prison all you do is dish out your spare bras and sing Madonna. When we finally got on the bus it was freezing cold because they seemed to be making up for the heat by cranking up the air con til pneumonia set in. At one point after a toilet break the bus started driving off without someone and didn't stop to let them on, they made them run to catch up and jump on while the bus was still moving!! Also it wasn't the simple bus and ferry that was advertised! We were dropped at a random place which we thought was the pier where we would get the ferry but an hour later another (worse) bus came along and we had to get on that for another hour to the actual pier. When we eventually got on the ferry it sat there for an hour before doing anything. I was so tired by this point that I slept through the entire journey even though it was really choppy and vomit inducing! Arrived at Koh Samui, thank God's pajamas! Overall our journey down to the island from Bangkok took longer than our flight from England to Thailand. Nightmare! To make up for that it was a lovely 35 degrees when we got there so we sunbathed for the rest of the day and got more Thai food for dinner. Having slept for about 5 hours for the past 3 days I was possibly the most tired I've ever been and fell asleep at about 9 ZZzzzzzzz.....

Day 4:

Sunbathed for the morning and afternoon until it started raining. While we inside we were considering how to get back to Bangkok because we didn't want to repeat the bus trip. Went across the road to a travel agent and managed to bag ourselves a flight back for 80 quid (can you tell I don't know where the pound sign is on this keyboard??!). Result! I was literally having a nightmare thinking about repeating that bus trip. Also whilst having a cocktail on the beach we found out that A got accepted on to the PGCE course she applied for a few weeks ago. We celebrated by taking advantage of happy hour that evening! After that we chilled out in the hammocks and A shouted "I LIKE SWINGING!". I pointed out that she probably shouldn't shout that out so she added "IN HAMMOCKS!". Oh we laughed......

Day 5:

Woke up praying it would be sunny and it was- result! Worked on the tan for most of the day, A got a bit burnt and I somehow managed to burn my eyelids. The only downside to all this heat is that my hair looks like Monica from Friends' when they go on holiday. I will fight the urge to get it braided with shells!

Day 6:

Possibly the most eventful day yet. We checked out of our place in Samui and queued up for the ferry for Koh Phan Gan. Ferry was really bumpy but we managed to hold it together unlike some people who were sick off the side. Niiiiice. Jumped in a minibus taxi to our accommodation on Haad Salad beach. The roads in Phan Gan are like a Mario Kart race course i.e. very twisty and steep but sadly lacking in bananas and missiles to blow up other traffic. Arrived at accommodation only to be told they had over booked and they didn't have a room for us that night. We were understandably fuming because we had confirmed the booking less than a week ago! They told they had booked us another bungalow nearby and drove us there to see if we wanted to stay there instead. It was in the middle of a field and nearly falling down. It consisted of a mattress and a hole in the floor for the toilet. Our initial reaction was 'are you shitting me?' but evidentally they weren't. We used many choice expletives to express our feelings towards said hovel before we made them drive us back to the resort. In the end we decided that as it was the full moon party that night we wouldn't need a bed anyway because we would be out all night. Got ready in reception with another group who didn't have a room and decided to go on the internet to waste time. This plan was thwarted by an island-wide blackout. Brilliant. So sat in the bar in the dark and had some drinks. To top everything off it started to rain. Not just rain a bit, it was a full on downpour. It was at this moment that I received a text from my Dad saying "have fun". Timing. Wasn't funny at the time but now it seems hilarious! We got chatting to an English couple in the bar who were getting taxi with us to the full moon party. They very kindly offered us a spare single bed that was in their room for the night. Mood lifted dramatically at this point and we went and got ready properly with our new friends P and M in their room. The taxi was essentially the back of a pickup truck with benches in it where they shoved as many of us as they could. Needless to say everyone couldn't wait for the taxi back the next morning along the Mario Kart roads once we had all been drinking for around 8 hours! Got to the party and got body painted up in preparation and then got well and truly stuck in on the beach with M and P and 30000 others! The beach was AMAZING, had around 12 different DJs all playing different music along different sections of the beach. We got a load of buckets and checked out the whole beach. As well as the beach there were fire eaters, jugglers, massive slides and fireworks. It was such a fun night. A and P had a go on one of the massive slides and P even braved the giant fire skipping rope! We also stumbled across a very drunk couple "becoming acquainted" in the middle of the beach in front of quite a crowd. When they realised the size of the crowd they stopped. People cheered and shook the guy's hand and shouted "YOU SLAAAAAG!" at the girl as she struggled to put on her bikini top whilst otherwise completely starkers (priorities, love!). I felt like giving a brief speech on equality, quoting Respect by Aretha franklin, but decided against it and had a little rave with A instead! It was SUCH a good night and we haven't danced that much in ages!

Day 7:
Woke up in M and P's room and decided to leave ninja style and check in to our own room. Spent most of the day recovering on the beach whilst picking up quite an epic tan. A and I showed the beach crowd exactly how the British play bat and ball (badly). Had dinner with M and P then passed out due to tiredness.

Day 8:
Chilled out on the beach and got chatting to 3 Geordies who invited us to go for dinner with them. Had dinner on the beach with aforementioned northeners and played cards by candlelight for ages after. Some Germans spoilt our romantic atmosphere by letting off some fireworks.

Day 9:
Took advantage of the permanent nice weather on our last day in Phan Gan. Out of 10 I would say our tans are approaching an 8.

Day 10:
Got the ferry back to Samui with the Geordies and went back to the place we stayed at for our first few days in Samui. Went to an internet cafe and braved the dodgy Thai keyboard to write this! Don't say I don't spoil you!

Just to give you an idea of how hot it is here: I left my iPod in the sun for about 10 minutes the other day and the glass on the front cracked in the heat! It's blazing and we're loving it.
Also I would just like to point out that we are loving the food! Accordingly we are planning on doing a Thai cooking course. I would like to suggest to my parents that learning to cook Pad Thai would be advisable for my return.
Things we are loving/missing:
- iPhone!
- We are loving being barefoot
- I miss sausages for some obscure reason, don't eat them that much at home.
- Not loving the sand in my pants.

Bye for now,
Lucy 'Chopsticks' Christopher! xx

He who goes through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok!

2010-01-24T16:57:00.000Z

Before I rattle on and on about how I'm going to Thailand later I will give you a brief update on some of the hilarities that have occurred in my life in the last two weeks:

I didn't work a single day in the last two weeks which you might think was a good thing, but after about day 3 I ran out of things to do having already watched all six Star Wars films which is quite a mammoth and commendable task. Other than that I had a little trip down to Canterbury where we went out for D's birthday on Monday night. On Tuesday we decided to go shopping and on an impromptu trip to the Next home department discovered the most comfortable sofa in the world! R, A and I sat on said sofa for a good 15 minutes discussing pubes (no idea why). It was then that a shop assistant came over to ask if we needed any help and when we said no she said "I'm going to have to ask you to leave". We didn't know if it was our lively pubic discussion or the fact that we clearly had no interest in purchasing the sofa but we were fuming. As we left R said "maybe I should have left a little poo on the sofa". A mature response in my opinion.

I came back from Canterbury on Wednesday and the week has been a bit manic. I had A's birthday on Wednesday, L's on Friday and J's on Saturday. I had to fit in all my essential travel tasks around this hectic social life.

As I am writing this I am nearly ready to leave for the airport so the excitement in the house is major (Mum's playing cards and I think Dad might be having a little zzz), well I'm excited anyway. I have been thinking about things I will and won't miss, so here for your pleasure are those things:

Will miss:
Friends and family, obv.
iPhone/twitter/facebook/foursquare! Yes I am a geek.
Electric toothbrush.

Won't miss:
Work. Not for a single second.
My pasty pale skin. Bring on the tan. I've been told to come back black and I'm going to try!
Wearing heels. Feet destroying waste of my life.

If this seems rushed, it is! I have a plane to catch....

Catch you on the flip side,
Luce x

If all this global warming continues we're going to freeze to death!

2010-01-12T16:02:00.001Z

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm a bit of a cynic when it comes to New Years Eve. It's a good excuse to go out, but to be honest I don't really need an excuse to go out, if its a day ending in Y that's motivation enough. I just find NYE a massive anticlimax. A ten second countdown and if you're lucky a kiss from your beloved gf/bf, or in my case a firm handshake from the nearest acne-ridden unfortunate. It just seems to me that after midnight it's a bit like that countdown wasn't for anything, nothing actually happens does it?! What you are essentially commemorating is time continuing to pass. If this was an actual cause for celebration life would be a constant party. With this in mind plus the fact that it was colder than a penguin's bollocks, you can imagine that I didn't really fancy having a massive night out this year. Instead L, A, J and I decided to have a chilled one in J's hot tub. Not quite as glamorous as it sounds. 5 minutes in, all our eyes were streaming make-up down our faces due to epic amounts of chlorine so we called it a day and watched a film through a flood of chemical tears.

The next exciting chapter in my vivacious existance was a visit to the nurse. Nothing drastic I just need a jab before I go travelling. If what the nurse was saying is true, I will be lucky to leave Thailand alive because according to her it's a disease ridden crap hole inhabited by savage natives who will will give me aids as soon as look at me. I'm sure she's wrong. All I needed was a Typhoid booster. I was ok before I got there but when she whipped out the needle I turned into a little girl. It was about 3 foot long and an inch in diameter and I think she had a little run up to get it in my arm. It was fine, I took it like a bitch.

On a more alarming yet hilarious note, last time I was down in Canterbury R rocked up to D's where I was staying and said she had some post for us (we lived in her house last year). D had a wedge of bank statements etc, I had a single letter which turned out to be a note from the NHS detailing a home chlamydia test for under 25's. I merely pointed out that they should know my home address, R piped up with "maybe it's urgent". Cheers. Oh how we laughed... (if this post was an episode of family guy, that bit would totally have been a flashback!)

So my dead arm the next day forced A and I into thinking about booking some stuff for Thailand. We thought we would just book a few days here and there but in our excitement ended up booking pretty much the whole trip. Our plan is to stay in Bangkok the first night then make our way down to the islands for the full moon party! We are going to stay on all 3 islands then head back to Bangkok for a few days before flying to Oz. We realise that having booked pretty much everything for Thailand will result in diminished spontaneity but we have allowed for some planned spontaneous activities in Oz to make up for it. A and I also went on a shopping trip to buy essentials like an array of drugs for any situation, flip flops, sun tan lotion etc then headed to the gym to work on our beach bods. We ended up spending about an hour and a half in the jacuzzi. Much less effort than running. Then we had to walk home in the snow, rubbish.

I thought I'd talk a bit about all the snow, it seems to be a hot (cold) topic right now. Why must everything come to a halt when we get 3cm of snow? I have discovered it's not because its actually that much harder to do anything, it's because its so easy to use snow as an excuse not to do anything! I can't possibly go to work, it's snowing, I might get cold! So what do you do with your day off.... clearly you drive to the nearest hill with a couple of sledges and throw yourself down it. Blinding! This is exactly what AH and I decided to do on Sunday. Jack Wills* gilets, hats and hoodys made for a stylish/sporty look fit for winter sports. Greenwich park was absolutely mobbed by an impressive amount of people considering the arctic temperatures. What was more impressive was the creativity of some - I have never seen such a diverse collection of sledging equipment! There were lunch trays, bin bags, for sale signs and handmade snowboards knocking about. We saw a dwarf (PC?) hurtling down the hill on a 'to let' sign which sparked a debate about how he would have got it down! AH and I were absolute pros and we didn't delay in schooling the young kids in the art of sledging. It was all fun and games til a little boy steered straight into a tree and broke his leg. There's always one who has to ruin it for everyone else!

AH preparing to dominate the slopes

The "Greenwich black run" for pros only.

Twat in a hat.

We continued the day in style by winning our local pub quiz! Team "Snow Chance" (see what we did there?), consisting of me, A, AH, L and S powered our way (with minimal cheating) to quiz victory and won a bottle of champagne. Hurrah!

Coming up this week: Thursday afternoon A and I are venturing to STA travel* Covent Garden to book our Greyhound bus ticket for Australia! We will probably be so excited we will come out having booked loads more too! This time in 2 weeks we will be in Thailand!

Hilarious sign off,

Luce x

* Ideally, this name dropping will cause some sort of freebie to land in my lap........no?

The only thing I'm interested in during the 12 days of Christmas is the 5 gold rings. You can shove your partridge AND your pear tree!

2009-12-30T14:44:00.001Z

I really struggle to remember what I have done in my life. Anything I did over a week ago is lost to me, I may have early onset Alzheimers. Maybe I have early onset Alzheimers?! I think I'm going to need to start a diary/ hire someone to record every detail of my life into a series of informative podcasts. I could have a person with a different accent each week to keep things f-f-fresh! When I make it big, I will hire Steven Fry and occasionally Beyonce to sing it. Her silky tones will skip gently over the boring details and emphasize better details of my life into a soulfull ballad. Cracking!

I was still in Canterbury when I wrote my last post so I shall endevour to catch up from there. It snowed LOADS on the Thursday evening which made me feel all wintery and mildly festive so on the Friday morning bright and early, D, M, AJ and I decided to hit the ice rink hard. Took us ages to get there because wussy people freak out on the roads when it's cold, but when we got there it was so worth the wait because the rink was completely empty! Best day ever! It wasn't even one of those pathetic small rinks, it was a full size fat old mother hubbard of a rink! Pretty lucky really because otherwise there may well have been a few civilian casualties courtasy of AJ who went spread eagle on her arse quite a few times. M also had a fight with the ice and lost. Face first. Being a good friend, I took it upon myself to distract any onlookers from this utter shambles with some blazing triple salchos and the occasional backflip. Just call me Jane Torvil (actually, don't). When we returned to Canterbury, D and I decided to start watching Gavin and Stacey from the beginning. Managed it spectacularly and finished 2 series and a Christmas special in under 24 hours. D's room smelt of wine and looked a bit like a crack den afterwards but that's the price you pay for watching comedy gold solidly for a day. I emerged with a slight Welsh twang and the urge to eat an omlette! I can safely report that Gavin and Stacey is one of the best comedy series at the moment and it's a crying shame it's ending on New Years Day.

Fast forward and I'm back home in London with a dinner party to prepare for- nightmare! Rush rush, panic panic! Popped to the nearest big Tesco to stock up on ingredients. I can't have been in there for more than about 15 minutes but when I returned it had snowed about a foot. What would normally be a 15 minute dash home took me well over an hour. I feared for my life! I have to go up and down a steep hill to get to mine and in the snow it had become what can only be described as a bobsleigh run (see Cool Runnings for further details). Cars were taking it in turns to attempt the hill and the 4x4 in front of me obviously thought he would be fine in his huge vehicular and gunned it down the hill only to skid into a bush. Initially I thought it was very funny indeed, but then I realised I was next and if a massive 4x4 can't do it, my tiny Ka was going to catapault me to certain bush bound death. It didn't, result! I crawled down the hill and went sideways round the corner but I made it in one piece. I would have given the cocky 4x4 driver the V's if my hands weren't firmly glued to the steering wheel with fear! My friends braved the Arctic conditions to get to mine for dinner and in attendance was A, A, L, S and S. We had a goats cheese tartlet with onion relish for starter, stuffed chicken, potato gratin and salad for main and L's famous chocolate mousse for dessert. Some minor calculations were carried out and it turns out there were 7600 calories in the massive bowl of chocolate mousse! A heart attack waiting to happen. Anyway it was a lovely dinner ad we washed it all down with a game of trivial pursuit which we were pretty much all completely useless at. Genius edition, just not worth it.

Yeah I'm dressed as an elf, what of it?

This is me on Christmas eve. We planned to go out dressed in Christmas based attire. I was so excited about it I was wearing my elf costume by 2pm. The register for the evening was as follows: 2x elves (me and A), a slutty santa (A), a normal Santa (S) and an angel/fairy(angry?) (S). Cracking. We started in Bromley then headed to Croydon to Reflex, where cheesy music is rife. Any time other than Christmas Eve I would not venture anywere near Reflex, cheesy music is my Achilles heel, but it's fun/bearable at Christmas. We danced the night away looking festive, and most people there had the same clothing ideas as us. There were a few oddballs including D who wore an elephant costume, I also spotted a clown, a gimp, a ninja and Jigsaw from the Saw films. Not entirely festive but a good effort nonetheless.

Christmas day, I was up at the crack of 8am woken by annoyingly excited sister who is old enough to appreciate a lie in but for some reason chooses not to. Opened a stocking comprised of travelling goodies and half of a joke shop, including wind up racing pigeons, a rubber chicken that lays an egg if you squeeze it, travel soap and a fold up travel frizbee! Who knew such things existed, my room looks like Hawkins Bazaar! Breakfast was scrambled eggs and smoked salmon, tickled my tastebuds a treat and served as a warm up round for lunch. As always lunch was epic! We had beef, not the traditional turkey, a middle finger up to society by anyones standards. I ate enough to fuel an 18 stone man through a marathon. Note to self: must reduce calorie intake to that of a small mouse until travelling for fear of being harpooned on the beach. After lunch was the usual, opened some lovely presents and generally slobbed. Not gonna lie, I completely forgot about the Christmas challenge I set. Oops! I was too busy dominating all things board game. Why don't board games get cracked out more often? They're brilliant. There's no greater ego massage than answering a few difficult Trivial Pusuit questions! We even threw in a few rounds of charades, and I became the Christopher family chair stacking expert.

Doesn't everyone look enthused about charades?! ps how impressive is my chair stacking!?

Later on Christmas day, my Mum informed me that my present was to be a "wodge of cash" towards my travels! Result. I like the sound of a wodge.

On the day after Boxing day (Cage Fighting day?) I was invited to go and see the Harlequinns vs Wasps game at Twickenham courtasy of uncle A. Not one to turn down the opportunity to view several rugby players I wrapped up in all the clothes I own and headed to Twickenham with A, cousin T and my Dad. The entertainment was 3 of this year's X Factor contestansts, Olly, Lucie and Jamie who were really good and had the whole crowd singing sex on fire. A lovely panoramic:

Unfortunately Quinns lost 21-20. Butterfingers, oopsy! So overall a brillo Christmas, but ate like a morbidly obese pig so must get down the gym!

Coming to a Thurday near you: New Years Eve! I will be in a hot tub supping champers for this occassion. What's everyone else up to?

May a partridge sit in your pear tree. Tutty bye.

Luce x
ps. I still want to see more of your Christmas pictures!

Lucy's Christmas Day Challenge!

2009-12-20T18:48:00.001Z

Christmas is an exciting time of year, and it's not exactly because people are celebrating the birth of Jesus H Christ (I have it on good authority that Jesus's middle name was Harriet). We use Christmas as an excuse to give each other presents, get drunk and eat too much etc etc. I think of it as a way to reset the brain in preparation for the new year. Inevitably the run up to the big day will be more fun than the actual day itself. Halfway through lunch you will realise it has been a massive anticlimax because you have nothing to do for the rest of the day. I have taken it upon myself to devise a fun challenge for people to partake in, post-lunch on Christmas day. It will be known ~~the world over~~ as Lucy's Christmas Afternoon Challenge, LCAC (l'cac in French. Oui oui la bon mange tous!...yeah!). Pronounced "el cack" like a bad mexican restaurant. Say it out loud, and put emphasis on the cack! WOOO HOOO now we're rolling!!

This is me in my Christmas mood. You will struggle to find anyone quite as festive.

Dress up challenge: It is enevitable at somepoint a relative will fall asleep, schoolboy error. You must try and put a Father Christmas hat on them (10 points) send me a picture of you and said relative on Twitter http://twitter.com/lucychristopher Extra 10 points for anyone who can get a beard on them too (If they already have a beard, 1000 points if you shave it off!)

Tumbleweed challenge: This is a creative challenge! I would like you to come up with a really bad Christmas based pun, and annouce it to your family over lunch! The worse the better, I'm looking for tumbleweed silence. Some example subject matter could be Santa's sack, dangling baubles or something about stuffing a turkey. Tweet me your pun and your family's reaction, points will be awarded according to how cringeworthy it is.

See food challenge: The vast majority of humans hate brussel sprouts, yet we are forced to munch them come the festive season. As no one likes them, there will be plently left over for this challenge. I want you to see just how many brussels (hells vegetable) you can fit in your mouth at one time. If anyone's seen that episode of The Vicar of Dibley where Dawn French stuffs down 3 roast dinners you will know what I'm talking about! I want to see a picture of you straining to shut your mouth around a bowlfull of sprouts. Points will be awarded according to how many you fit in. If you spit them out there will be no points. Obviously I won't be able to tell if you spit them out, but you will undoubtedly have a hugely guilty conscience about claiming unearned LCAC points.

Best/worst present challenge: Pretty self explanatory this one, I would like to see you with your best and worst presents. Points according to how awesome/crap they are.

Mysterious spare present challenge: You will need some preparation for this. The challenge: find a present which will be embarrassing for someone to open in front of your family, label it to someone and stick it under the tree with the rest of the presents. This can range from a Miley Cyrus CD for your emo younger brother, to a present from the naughty bit of Ann Summers for your nan, depending on how big your balls are. Capture a picture of your family's reaction to the present being opened and you're on to a winner!

I would also like to see pictures of you looking festive on Christmas day and if possible your family Christmas photo, and any other festive treats you might like to show me! You can send me them here:

My Twitter start your tweet with @lucychristopher and include a #LCACchallenge tag if you like!
My Facebook page if you're not on Twitter you can Facebook/email me.

I will put the best pictures in my next blog and announce the overall winner of the day, bet you can't wait. Good luck with the LCAC challenge everyone!

Festive love,

Luce x

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart!

2009-12-17T22:03:00.000Z

Cómo está, bitches?! Last week I didn't do a post about my weekend because it was so coma inducingly boring that meerly recalling it would have caused my brain to seep from my skull. It was evidently so dull that I am actually struggling to think of anything I did......................I just reffered to my phone to see if last weeks messages would fill me in. Apparently A and I made dinner on friday and vegged out in front of the TV, paying ~~little~~ no regard for our struggling beach bods which will be required to be perfectly toned in around a month. Saturday we went swimming. See, I told you it was boring.

The following week saw me finish at the temp job I've been at for the last few months. It was emotional. I left D with the new girl M then walked slowy into the distance like that sad scene in the Incredible Hulk, occasionally turning back looking forlorn. The following day I had a 1 day job at a place opposite Harrods, manning their reception. I later found out I was covering the only person in the building intelligent enough to book a day off work the day after their Christmas party. I found this out by being the first person to arrive, then when people did show up they looked like they were suffering from some pretty serious 4* hangovers. They were sweating pure vodka. I said "morning" to one guy who stumbled through the door at around 10.30 he just said "oh God" and shuffled off to his seat and put his head on the table. I used this day to be creative and managed to devise a Christmas day challenge for all to participate in (look out for a post which should be up at the end of this weekend for full details!)

Thursday evening saw me partake in a poker tournament with L and S. Needless to say I was one of the first to go out. L came painfully close to winning but kept chickening out in the final and essentially just gave her chips to the guy she was playing. Won £30 though so that was pretty winner. £5 of that was what I lost, but I won't moan about it, I'll just move on. I mean it's just a game right? Someone's got to lose. Just so happens it was me. £5 would buy me a lot of things right now, and in the current economic climate some may say it was frivolous to have placed such a bet in the first place. Anyway, congrats L on your win. Bitch.

On Saturday I was treated to the very rare Christopher family meet up. This event is so occasional that I haven't seen some of the Christophers for around 7 years or so, which became demonstrably evident when one of my younger cousins actually asked who I was. We had a festive dinner complete with crackers with paper hats and beyond terrible jokes. I was on the cousins table which consisted of 4 cousins under 18 and of the 4 that are old enough to drink, 2 were driving. Sticking 2 bottles of wine on our table was pretty erroneous. Not gonna lie, by the end of the night, in the words of Michael McIntyre "I was utterly gazeboed". Big shout out to my home girl Granny for picking up the tab!

As a write this now I am in Canterbury, in a computer lab which I spent quite a bit of time in during my degree. I thought it appropriate to break in and relive my uni days by living it up in the electronics department. I, of course, do jest, D is here finishing off a bit of coursework so I thought I would accompany him with a few packets of percy pigs for sustanence. I drove down here yesterday and joined in on a fun mixed lacrosse game. Mixed lacrosse is always hard as the boys and girls games are completely different. The guys are body armour wearing, blood thirsy ball hoggers with little regard for people's welfare who play a horribly disjointed, aggressive game which mainly consists of them smacking each other, whereas the girls game is a joy to watch and runs as smoothly as a Tchaikovsky ballet (with minor aggressive undertones, we're sly about it though). It was a fun game and we even carried on when it started snowing, we're nails! D and I then went into town for a spot of mexican at Cafe Des Amis, we had fajitas which were buff and some Doctor Zeuss wine. Powered up to the Venue after another cheeky bottle of wine in Spoons and danced the night away with the lacrosstitutes. WINNER! This morning I surveyed my camera only to find around 40 pictures featuring the floor and my fingers over the lens. Photography fail!

Recently I have been prompted into thinking about how much I use my phone. This was brought to my attention when I was asked what I'm going to do while I'm travelling without my iPhone. I was asked this on three separate occasions this week. I rely so heavily on my phone that will never find me without it, the thought of not having it on me actually causes me to panic! I have never turned my phone off and the idea of me not being contactable by phone/email/facebook/twitter/text/carrier pigeon at all times literally fills my soul with crippling fear. While I'm travelling I assume I will be so preoccupied that I won't realise I don't have it, but that's just what I'm telling myself to keep calm. I plan to get an Australian phone when I get there but that still means 3 weeks of uncontactable hell in Thailand. I will of course be visiting internet cafes occasionally, I'm not a savage, but it's just not the same as having Twitter at your fingertips to publish your every thought. If anyone has any advise on this topic please do not hesitate to contact me by any of the methods mentioned above.

Stay strong, brethren.

Luce x

#8: Christmas shopping etiquette

2009-12-09T16:00:00.000Z

Everyone hates Christmas shopping. I have never in my life heard someone say "oh BRILLIANT it's time to start Christmas shopping!". This is for 2 reasons:
1. You never know what to buy people
2. Unless you can can do all your shopping online, you're going to have to brave the shops.

Shopping for other people is stressful at the best of times, but at Christmas you have the added pressure of getting presents right because you know Jesus is watching, it's his birthday after all! Nah, I jest he probably gets loads of his own presents from God, the "virgin" Mary and all his other heaven mates, he's to busy partying with them and preening his beard to care what you got! People are desperate to buy interesting presents instead of resorting to the standard smellies, chocolates or jewellery. This desperate attempt to find a unique gift results in some weird present ideas that seem like such a good idea at the time of purchase. For example, last year my mum had the pleasure of acquiring a goat from a friend. Sadly, it is not currently rummaging through the garden as she didn't actually receive said goat, it was sent to SOMEONE ELSE! All my mum got was a picture of a goat and a little story about where Jerome (what I would have called the goat had it made it to our house) was headed! And do you know what, I don't even think the picture was of Jerome, I reckon it was of some every day, non-specific unphotogenic goat with no charisma. There wasn't even a follow up picture of Jerome with his new family happily playing in a field/being roasted and eaten. So essentially my mum's Christmas present was a picture of a goat. Great. Have fun writing a thank you card for that one...."Dear ex-friend......"

Jerome looking festive

As we all know, shopping centres can be a nightmare and this is particularly poignant during the festive season. I feel there should be a strict code of conduct to be followed when Christmas shopping to minimise stress. I have devised this set of Christmas shopping rules:

No pushchairs. If you have children have the decency to leave them at home. People with pushchairs think they own the shop and feel they have right of way in any situation. Christmas shoppers don't have time to divert their course to avoid pushchairs, so pushchairs, you're banned.
No children. Kids have a tendancy to wonder aimlessly without looking in the direction they are travelling. They weave a path of destruction wherever they go. I don't have time to deal with you, you're banned.
No injuries. People with injuries are wusses and we don't need them. Thus they are banned, crutches/wheelchairs get out.
Suitable footwear and a good breakfast! A combination of the two will allow a speedy and comfortable trip. Speed is key. Get in, get out.
1 minute browsing time. A single minute is all it takes to decide whether you want to purchase a particular item. Don't umm and err. Buy it or put it back.
Avoid distractions. If you feel compelled at any point to buy yourself something, you are beginning to lag. Go for a coffee break to refuel, make it quick though. If possible try one of the festive options, a toffee nut latte will give you an adequate kick in the baubles!

Happy shopping! Festive spirit and all that..

Luce x

ps Don't be selfish, think of Jerome and other such livestock during this festive period.

#7: Chavtastic advertising

2009-12-04T14:39:00.005Z

So the other week I was sitting in a coffee shop with R and A and some of the more chavvy Canterbury residents walked in. No offense chavs but afternoon tea is just not for you, don't you have some grannies to terrorize? But (that's right I'm starting a sentence with but!) then I thought: chavs drink tea too, why must I have this narrow minded view of tea drinkers? I realized this is the fault of advertisers, aiming their products at normal run of the mill people and forgetting the poor chavs.

A brief history of the chav: A chav is an aggressive British youth, typically unemployed who repeatedly engages in antisocial behavior such as drug taking, fighting, drinking and stealing. Your average chav will wear a tracksuit, ridiculous amounts of moody gold known as bling, trainers and peaked hat of some description. Favored brands include Burberry, Adidas and Reebok. Chav speak is an interesting dialect of mainly incomprehensible mumbling punctuated with swearing and choice chavvy words like "bruv",(brother/friend/business associate) "naaaa meeeen"(do you know what I mean), "aaariiiyt"(how are you), "muvas life"(goodness me) and my personal favorite "cor chicken eyebrow boi"(.....???). They are fuelled by white lightning, chicken and chips, weed and cocaine but I believe with the right marketing, chavs could broaden their horizons and start drinking tea. Baby steps. Before you know it they will be valued members of society, not dole-dependent social cripples. Introducing the new PG tips advert (chav edition):

This is my cast. Look at the state of them. You'd need a rabies shot to go anywhere near them (bare this in mind future director of this advert!). These are typical chavs, my target audience will immediately relate to this rowdy bunch of mugs (if you are finding yourself identifying with them you may want to consider a lifestyle overhaul).

Let's set the scene: the advert begins with the chavs sitting on a bench in a council estate, smoking and drinking cheap beer and looking intimidating. It's overcast because the sun doesn't shine on chavs. Enter Johnny Vegas (face and chins of PG) head to toe in Burberry. He bowls up the chavs:

Johnny: "Yo yo, gangster diggidy dawgs"

Chavs laugh and there is a general rolling of eyes, a keen chav might kiss his teeth...

Johnny: "Listen brethren, I totally have a safe (excellent/kosher) new beverage for your consideration, behold....."

Johnny unzips his hoody to reveal a tea bag on a thick gold chain around his neck. Ideally some dramatic music would begin at this point and the sun would appear from behind the clouds and illuminate Vegas in all his glory (?)

Johnny: "'E're son, let this tickle your taste buds"

Hands main chav (Tyrone) a cuppa which he sips cautiously. Chav enjoys the tea.

Tyrone: "What a positively delightful aroma, this makes a change from this repugnant cider"

The rest of the chavs look shocked at the new articulate Tyrone. Girl chav (Chantelle) looks disgusted.

Chantelle: "What's that homosexual hot beverage done to ya Tyrone?!?"

Tyrone: "I don't know, but I now realise I have been wasting my life, I'm going to seek employment and flaunt my new elegant loquaciousness"

Johnny looks impressed and the rest of the chavs fight over the cup of tea. Cuts to a scene of the ex-chavs now all smartly dressed, frolicking and enjoying each others company in a cheesy advert way, while the voiceover man says the new tagline:

"PG tips. Chav fuel."

Chavs will never be the same. You're welcome.

Luce x

How many Alzhiemers patients does it take to change a lightbulb?.......To get to the other side!?

2009-12-02T15:24:00.001Z

Last weekend was my first at home in a month. I had no plans at all, which made a change, but it does give me very little to write about. Here goes....

Friday- got a chinky takeaway with the parental unit, yum. Watched loads of crap TV all night like a bed-ridden obese person. Hired a forklift to transport me to my bed. I jest, I skipped graceful as an antelope leaping across an African plain towards a water hole. Brilliant.

Saturday- Due to lack of funds, could not venture to ANYWHERE of excitement so I had an admin day. I got quite a bit done! Maybe I should be a professional housewife? I did some washing and ironing and some general admin of the bedroom area. I feel I aged somewhat during this time. Hit the gym pretty hard, Free Willy was on the TV. Last time I ran 10k, Jurassic Park was on, so I thought Free Willy being of a similar genre would push me into doing another long run. Wrong. It seems Willy does not strike the same "keep running" fear into me that a mighty T-Rex does. He's called Willy for starters! I gave up at 5k when Jessie started stroking Willy (ooh err!). Killer whale my arse, bite him! Having said this killer whales are one of the very few things I'm actually scared of. The fear began when I saw an advert a few years back in which a killer whale, complete with trainer, jumped out of a pond in slow motion. First of all, First Direct, what do whales have to do with your insurance policy or whatever it is you're trying to sell? Secondly, the possibility that Shamu may be lurking in a nearby pond is terrifying and unnecessary. Sooooooooo, after that little gym/whale fiasco I returned home to find G unit (grandparental unit, not the well known hip-hop group, although how cool would it be if 50 cent was in fact, my grandad!?) having a cup of tea and a natter on the sofa. They are both as deaf as each other regardless of their hearing aids. They decided to sit at opposite ends of the room, so a shouting match ensued. It's pretty funny viewing, but also a blaring reminder of what the future holds for me! I'm going to be such an awesome old person. I'm going to fully embrace my elderliness with a blue rinse and elasticated waistband, zimmer-framing about, embarrassing the younger generations!

Sunday- met up with A and D for an "old lady day" which consisted of a walk in some local woods. Obviously we got lost. We had to defeat the object of being in the woods and use iPhone maps to find our way out. Clever iPhone. We passed many dog walkers and young families and fellow old ladies. Why when you are anywhere with grass, do people say hi as they walk past? If I started saying hi to people on the tube I'd get punched in the face. I may join a rambling society. I enjoy wellies. We took shelter in Starbucks when it started to rain then had a little trot round a few shops in Bromley. It was surprisingly quiet considering it's Christmas in 23 days. Given that Bromley is a squalid rabies infested chav pit, the H&M is uncharacteristically magnificent! I tried on some jeans that I can't afford til next week, no queue for the changing room. I kind of want to live there.

Monday- I found out at work on Monday that our new ad video is done. Great. Then I found out that I'm in it! Check out this diabolical shitfest here! Note the very professional looking receptionist at about 42 seconds in. She looks familiar, I've definitely seen her before, maybe on the front cover of vogue!!?!?! No? Oh. In the evening A and I decided to attend a travel talk hosted by STA travel buzz, who I will be writing for while I'm travelling. It was at the Covent Garden shop where A and I have booked our flights and other travel stuff for our trip. When we arrived we saw J, who organised our trip, make a swift exit, hopefully not because she saw us coming. Anyway, the talk was really helpful, it was all about Australia which we haven't booked anything for yet. We heard about the 2 different choices of bus we can take and about a few places we can stay. Then C and S from STAtravelbuzz told us about the explorer programme! As I've already pledged my soul to them, there was a little pic of me on their slideshow which was pretty cool! I have only spoken to C and S on Twitter so it was great to meet them. Having heard everything there is to know about travelling in Australia, we now can't wait to go and explore, and we're in the process of deciding whether to get the Greyhound or the Oz Experience bus! A is leaning towards the Greyhound, I'm swaying towards the Oz Experience but I think I may have been brainwashed by the amount of times the Oz Experience guy said "cool". I have the attention span of a goldfish, so if you say something enough it kind of sticks!

I only have 4 days left at this job so I will be making the most of it! Anyone want any stationary?

Luce x

#6: A quick guide to London train travel

2009-11-26T16:11:00.001Z

Over the past few months I have had the pleasure of observing the vast variety of commuters on the train. I have reduced my observations into this handy guide which I think will one day be broadcast as a public service announcement.

Firstly, and most obviously you either are a man or woman. Having decided which category you fall under, here is a brief guide on train behavior:
Man- generally as a man you are expected to behave like a gentleman in most walks of life. General politeness or opening a door for a lady is a fine example of typical gentlemanly ettiquette. All this goes out the door the second you step foot on the platform. Now the most important thing to a man is exerting his dominance over the rest of the commuters by getting a good seat. If available, most men will aim for the 6 seat space on the train, lots of space for a man to sit. Inevitably there will be many people boarding the train, and more often than not 3 or 4 men will get a seat on the 6 seat space of the train. As a man, you won't want to sit on the seat next to another man, you will leave the middle seat free so you have plently of room to spead you legs as wide apart as you can. This is an important part of being a man on a train. The next step is to eye up your competition. The other 3 men on the 6 seat are not as manly as you. This is how you let them know this: in one fluid movement you sniff loudly with a slight snarl on your face, pull up your trousers ever so slightly, spread those legs and get out a newspaper (the bigger the better, finacial times demands greatest respect). If you must read a book, make sure it's got a title including murder/facial hair/SAS/manliness and that the blurb starts with "testosterone fuelled..." Done? Brilliant, you are now the manliest man on the train, look smug for the remainder of the journey. Own it!

Woman- I don't know why but on a train you must have a face like a slapped arse. Whether it's because you're on your way to work or just the general hatred of being on a train I couldn't tell you, but just do it, you'll fit in. Tutting is key to being a woman on a train. Use tutting as a method to express your distaste for anything. Find a seat, you will probably end up between 2 blokes in the 6 seat section. If you've forgotten your gushing romantic novel with the flowery pink cover, don't worry, read over the men's shoulders, they like that! You will no doubt have a large bag filled with stuff you don't really need. Feel free to place it anywhere, then tut when anyone gets anywhere near it. Like a lion protecting her cubs. For God's sake don't try and start a conversation with someone. Just because you've read their book twice and o.m.g isn't the main character just.like.you. the person sitting next to you doesn't care, keep it to yourself. Look uncomfortable for the whole journey and maintain the "bulldog chewing on a wasp" look. Work it!

Congratulations, you now know how to fit in on a train in London. If you feel like taking on a more challenging role, below I have listed some of the more rare types of commuter. If you want to be a proper bitch for a bit, why not try out one of these:

Territorial- I came up against a horrible territorial type earlier today and I have to say she caught me off guard. It's normally a man who claims as much space around him as possible by reading a broadsheet newspaper at arms length so most of it's in your face. Today it was a tiny lady who was literally elbowing me so she could get comfortable. She managed to get her arm in behind mine, digging into my ribs, so my arms were hanging in front of me looking stupid. I don't appreciate being made to look squashed by a lady half my size, so I trod on her foot as I got off the train. Get-out-of-my-aura scale 9/10

Disgusting- I see this surprisingly often and I really wish I didn't! Blokes who clearly forget where they are and have their fingers knuckle deep in their nose/ears! I even saw a fully grown man pick his nose and eat it the other day. Repulsive. I was nearly sick in my mouth. Filth scale 9/10

Angry- Swears a lot. Checks their watch a lot. Hates being late. If the train is delayed, they are straight on the phone to their boss telling them they're stuck on a train, AGAIN! They have a vein on their forehead that looks like it's going to burst. Chill out scale 7/10

Chunky- For this you need to be a fatty. A wibbly wobbly round person. You also need to be fully unaware of just how large you are. Chunkies are fans of attempting to sit in the middle seat, which is an already significantly reduced bum space, but they think they can get their eclipse-causing behind into it. They can't. You end up with half their arse cheek on your lap, and they don't even notice! Then of course you have them gasping for breath the whole time because they're so fat they can't breathe properly. Fatty scale: 7/10

Loud- You know the kind of person who shouts "WAHEY" when someone smashes something? This is the train version of that person. They like to leave their phone on loud and have an annoying ringtone like the great escape. They will then have a really loud conversation which will start with "Jimmy, you fat twat, how are ya?" They will look around the carrage trying to make eye-contact with people and occasionally gesture towards their phone and roll their eyes. God they're annoying! Shut the hell up scale: 8/10

You are now fully equipped to travel in London. You're welcome.

Luce x

To err is human, to aarrrrrrrr is pirate.

2009-11-25T15:00:00.001Z

This weekend I was yet again, down in Banterbury (see what I did there?!), but this time for more pressing reasons than immense socialising. I had my graduation! I missed it in the summer because I was on holiday. At the time I wasn't that fussed about missing it, but when they offered me another chance to go I decided I should, end of an era and all that! Also, I knew this was a suitable excuse to take a half day and go out for dinner with the parentals, dinner is what us Christophers do best! Pizza Express was the eatery of choice, and R came along for a bit of munch too. I then had to go and pick up my cap and gown, or cape as I like to call it, superman chic.

The hat was a bit big so the lady decided to pin it to my hair. It was on so securely I swear she drilled it into my skull, there was no throwing of the hat for me! After much indecisiveness, I decided to wear heels even though I was sure I would fall over. I had even planned to stay down if I did hit the deck! I think the real reason I didn't want to go to graduation at first is because I knew I wouldn't be in the honors degree section. I thought it would be done in order of results and I'd be at the end and the speaker would be like "...and last but not least". Anyway, turns out I wasn't the only one in the "drinker's degree" section of the program, but they did group us together. Like animals. In a cage. Although it was less of a cage, more of a conventional seated arrangement. It kicked off with a bit of music from the orchestra at the front. They played that one from Babe, which was cool. I decided to share this information with the guy sitting next to me. He just looked at me very blankly, but I knew he was just emotional about reliving the moving story of Babe in his head. OINK. The guest speaker rambled on for about 12 years about Kent and why it's so great ZZzzzzzzzz........ When he finally finished, let's just say I wasn't clapping because it was a good speech. So then they got down to the actual graduation bit. Amazing what some people see fit to name their children isn't it!? I felt sorry for the guy who was reading them all out, he struggled a bit with Xi Chang Wang for some reason. When our names were called out we had to go up a ramp (potential hazard in heels) shake this guys hand then walk the complete length of the aisle before sitting back down. The amount of chances I had to fall were staggering. I managed to make it back to my seat without even stumbling! Champion. At the end the speaker said to the graduates "your families have shown you support this evening, now it's your turn to reciprocate" and we had to stand up and clap our families. Someone down the front shouted "I LOVE YOU MUM" which made me crack up! I was hoping this would be an emotional moment for my parentals, but neither of them cried. They were proud though so that was cool. I didn't really want to give the hat back but I had to, then I went back to R's where C, D, A and L were ready and raring to go to the Venue! A cracking night ensued. We eventually got "liberated" from the Venue by the bouncers who were kind enough to suggest we leave the establishment after D and A decided to host a gymnastics competition on the sofas. The rest of us were kicked out by association.

Saturday, R, A and I went into town for a spot of retail therapy, then spent the rest of the afternoon chilling in a coffee shop. It was very pleasant. We even had a little debate at one point. I'm a graduate now, I'm allowed to debate. Or am I? Discuss........
R and I cooked a risotto for dinner whilst having a mini rave in the kitchen, disco munch, then everyone came round and we watched Ratatouille. Somewhere along the way, J decided we could all be honorary black people for the night. Cue lots of "mmmmmm hmm", "guuuuuuuuuurl" and "Shaniqua, LaToya, Shaquifriatika, TayTay, BonQuiQui............" for about half and hour, apparently all black people are American because that seemed to be the accent of choice. Now I kinda wanna be black! Nothing like a bit of mild stereotyping to end an evening is there. All in all it was hugely chilled out day.

Sunday, we watched The Birds. I've seen it before at school, but had forgotten how funny it is! I know it's a horror and everything but nowadays we're used to gore-fests like Saw and Hostel, so old scary films just seem like comedy in comparison. It also shocked us that in old films, the girl characters are always so pathetic and whiny. Strap on a pair! A bird's coming at you-punch it in the face!

Don't cower in the corner waiting for the bloke to get it off you, pathetic woman! Would be a much better film if the leading lady grabbed the bird of her head, slapped it round the face and told it to "do one, you annoying little shite!". The film would end about 3 minutes in, the birds wouldn't come back after that! Lacrosse was cancelled due to inclement weather conditions. Well we don't want to get wet, do we!? I got the train home from the 'bury and my sister, who was back from Paris for the weekend, picked me up.

This weekend, A and I have arranged to have an "old lady day". We will be going for a walk in the park, then to lunch and chill in a coffee shop, we may even top this off with an evening swim! Other than that I have nothing planned, makes a change!

Holla!

Lucy x

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

2009-11-19T20:48:00.000Z

This week I continued my run of brilliant weekends with a weekend which could possibly be classed as fandabbiedozie! It was another Canterbury based weekend with a minor Brighton detour on Saturday just for laughs. Literally, we saw Michael McIntyre, and thus laughed. Quite a bit.

I have nothing to say about work last week except there was a break in and a stabbing outside and all the tenants are having a flap about it. God they're annoying! D and I just sit in reception slating them all day long. It's not nice, but it's necessary. So L.A.P.D. was here most of the week, keeping the streets on lock down! I have managed to perfect the art of looking busy. As long as you keep your fingers poised over the keyboard and a thoughtful expression plastered across your mush you can do pretty much whatever you want. Throw around some key phrases like "renew leases" and "tenancy agreement" and I'm laughing for about 3 hours. Any future potential employers please note I have an impressive work ethic.

So Friday I rushed home from work, dumped some stuff in a bag and headed down to Canterbury for L's birthday. Arrived at my old Canterbury house at around 8 and I was absolutely shattered so had a very brief disco nap then shower and got ready to go out. Chill was the club of choice and loads of familiar faces were there including R, D, C, A, A, M- the cool kids. Sometimes in clubs there is a photographer who takes pictures of you and your friends and then tries to sell you it even though you have a perfectly good camera in your bag. Mr Chill photographer chose an easy target in me, in my merry state he convinced me to purchase a keyring of our picture. I did manage to haggle with him though, but after all that I managed to forget to pick up my bargain keyring on the way out. Blunder. Never mind it was a good night and my feet didn't give up in my killer heels til 3, so that's progress!

Saturday I was awoken by idiot AJ who deemed it acceptable to phone me at 8.30. That went down about as well as a fart in a crowded lift. Couldn't get back to sleep so invited said idiot over to watch TV with me which was kinda nice, she redeemed herself. Had to wait about a million years for R, A and A to haul their arses out of bed but it was worth the wait because R made us that classic breakfast treat: Nachos. Yum. R and AJ then cracked out a surprise, they had bought me a lovely bracelet as a birthday and graduation present! I was pretty gobsmacked because I didn't see that coming and it hasn't left my wrist since!
We had planned to leave Canterbury for Brighton at 1 but that turned into leaving at 5 and going via McDonalds for nutritional purposes. Powered down to Brighton in R's batmobile and chugged some red bull to keep us going through the evening. Michael McIntyre was a great success but I think we all agreed the live at the Apollo show was funnier. Back in the batmobile, and we were back in Canterbury by about 1. It was then decided that this would be a good time to order fried chicken from a pizza delivery place. Possibly the most ill-advised decision ever made. Just a heads up: never get chicken from a non-chicken place. We are lucky to be alive, let's all take a moment to appreciate this........

Sunday started bright and early and I was very reluctant to get out of what could possibly be the 2nd most comfortable bed in the world, 2nd only to my perfect tardis of a bed. Anyway, I totally didn't want to get up at 7.30 on a Sunday but R threatened me with a machine gun! I jest, we had a lacrosse match so I had to get ready and that. Didn't take long, I look like a hideous sea creature in the morning and decided this might be a good offensive tactic so I left the face and hair as it was. Hot. I was wrong. Either the other team were oblivious to my morning face or the hour and a half blast up the motorway did wonders for my complexion and magically brushed my hair, but we lost regardless. At the end, the team we were playing didn't offer us the standard post game beverage, instead they brought over some boxes of biscuits. I thought this was hilarious seeing as our team like to make up for our losses by drinking our opponents under the table, but no, biscuits it was! Civilized! After the match I had every intention of going home, but AJ and R pulled out a weapon so deadly, it has never been known to fail: The "I want presents look". This is the puppy dog eyes look that kids give you when they want something. Never fails. D and I have perfected this technique over the years but I was shocked when the girls used it against me. It worked and I ended up staying for lunch in Canterbury. Sadly, weekends in Canterbury must come to an end.

Tomorrow I am yet again heading to Canterbury, this time with the parentals for my graduation which I'm having a bit of a nervy spaz about! So I shall be glad when that's over, then I have nothing planned for the rest of the weekend so a bit of spontaneity may occur.

In the words of Porky the pig, "that's all folks!"

Luce x

#5: Barney vs Teletubbies.....FIGHT!

2009-11-18T15:30:00.000Z

Today I would like to speak briefly about kids TV programs, namely The Teletubbies and Barney And Friends. Now most of you will know that The Teletubbies is absolute pap, what I want to know is what inspired someone to put something on TV for kids which was so obviously written on a huge acid trip! We will start with a review of the characters: Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa Laa and Po. God forbid they have normal names! In fact, they're not even names they're just noises really aren't they. Tinkly Winky controversially carried a handbag which caused a bit of stir as he was a boy teletubby, but in this day and age it's not that unusual to see a man with a "manbag" is it? The writers were obviously down with the kids and thought that toddlers needed to know these sorts of things early on so they are fully equipped to make their important life choices. Dipsy had a very unfashionable cow print hat and was named Dipsy because the horn on his head looks like a dipstick. He effectively drew the short straw as far as character names and props were concerned. The girl characters were vastly overlooked due to the raving homo's mincing about taking center stage. Standard. Check out this world class nancy boy:

Given that the show was meant to be educational why did the Tubbies speak a language which was not even intelligible by the toddlers it was aimed at? "eh oh" - what? "big hug" - no thanks Dipsy, get your green ass outta here! A feature of the show was when the tubbies took time out of their busy days of DOING NOTHING to watch the tv screens in their bellies- Obviously. They felt the need to repeat the clips up to 5 times, just to drill it in. Having surveyed all the evidence I have come to the conclusion that the Teletubbies is an uneducational educational children's show unsuitable for children with hidden homosexual undertones and terrifyingly ridiculous characters.

Enter Barney (suitably named character) and friends (BJ and baby bop, letting the side down with ridiculous names). If you have only ever seen a few episodes of Barney you will inevitably have wanted to scratch your own eyes out just to make it stop, but you would have been wrong! Barney is in fact brilliant but you need to stick with it to appreciate it. This was discovered my my auntie A and I on a holiday quite a few years back when one of my cousins was young enough to watch it. We discovered that the makers of Barney are obviously absolutely terrified of offending anyone so have covered all bases in a desperate attempt to please everyone. You have such a variety of kids that they look like a Benetton ad, the token black, token Asian, token ginger kids and then theres the token disabled kid and the token deaf kid. All bases covered, kudos Barney, but thats not what makes this program great. It's the brilliantly cheesy acting! The kids are obviously told to act really happy and pleased about everything that happens so whenever they sing a song, for example, afterward all the kids go "yeah, that was fun you guys", "totally awesome" "I love singing" etc with smiles on their faces so strained that they look like they might herniate at any moment. Even the deaf kid gets involved, signing away like a nutter! It's this forced happiness that makes the show so great. Once you've seen it a few times it becomes hilarious! For these reasons I believe Barney to be the finest kids TV show around.

Rant over.

Peace out.

Luce x

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2009-11-12T15:38:00.000Z

I have come to observe from the last few weeks that doing nothing apart from sitting at a computer all day is really knackering, woe is me etc, so this weekend couldn't have come quick enough! Last week at work I managed to blast my way through the third Twilight book and have turned into quite a fan of the aforementioned, not to mention a champion reading speed demon! I think the only person who could relieve me of this title would be my Grandma who reads (and knits) at the speed of light, old lady got mad skillz!

Friday, A and I had planned to go to the gym in our desperate attempt to lose half our combined body weight before travelling so we don't get harpooned on various beaches around the world, the get fit or die trying plan. Due to us feeling exceptionally lazy we decided just to have dinner at mine instead. My mum cooked up a storm, a chicken casserole and sweet potato mash storm to be precise. Yumola! We then settled down to our new favorite pastime- writing lists! We are getting elderly ok?! Deal with it! So we cracked out some travel books and decided a rough plan of what we're going to do on our travels. Some of the activities we have in store include a full moon party in Thailand, snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef, skydiving in New Zealand and Universal Studios in LA. I'd just like to point out that unless you are A or me, you will more than likely be at work or in a lecture while we are having all this fun. UNLUCKY! In February/March/April when you are climbing into a suit at 7am looking like a zombie, A and I will probably be in our bikinis chilling on a beach. Just something to consider.

Saturday, I caught up with a hobby I enjoyed at uni- lying in. Ah yes I had a well deserved lie in after my hard week of getting paid to do what I want! Went for brief run in the arvo, then got ready to go out for G's birthday. A and I got a couple of trains over to Kingston (mission) where we were planning to go to Oceanas which is a massive nightclub there. This plan was thwarted when G decided to forget her ID. On her own birthday. What a mug. So we got merry in a cocktail bar which was nearby. Gotta love them mojitos, fun to say, even better to drink! A and I pointed out that we still had free entry to Oceanas and we are not silly enough to forget our ID's, so then arose "challenge Lucy and A". The challenge consisted of taking a picture of us in every room in Oceanas in 15 mins. Challenge accepted! As A and I are surprisingly nimble in killer heels after a few beverages, we absolutely destroyed this challenge in around 10 minutes and even had time for a toilet break. I feel these are useful skills we could carry forward to win a program such as Crystal Maze. Do you remember how crap the prizes were on that show!? "Well done Sally (shocking fringe, bad teeth, absolute retard incapable of completing the simplest task), you've won a saucepan". Brilliant. Nothing like mild sexism when it comes to dishing out prizes.

Sunday will be known as spontaneous Sunday. At uni last year we were a massive fan of spontaneity so I decided to revive this tradition and surprise R, D and AJ by paying them a flying visit. Turns out I can't fly so I drove down. Picked up D who was alive despite having had lacrosse initiations the night before, impressive. When I got to his house some random boy answered the door in half a pig outfit, clearly still drunk and suffering, apologizing profusely about his lack of shirt and trying to convince me he doesn't always wear pink trousers. I said "you don't have to lie to me young man-pig, the jig is up!" He looked at me like I'm mental, which he would be correct in thinking. Anyway, we drove past R on the way to Starbucks, she didn't know I was coming down so the look of shock on her face was priceless! Her mouth was so wide I thought I might fall in! When we came back from Starbucks the match had started so D, A and I decided to watch the girls play lacrosse in a 1950's style. Let me explain, to watch something as if you were watching it in the 1950's you squint and blink really fast so it's grainy and jittery like old TV and sing cheesy car chase music so everything is a bit slapstick, then at the end you say in your best 1950's voice, "and thats how it was done in the 1950's"! Warning: if people see you doing this, you look like an absolute nob. This method worked quite well on the lacrosse match and it gave a suitable comedy edge. After that we played a bit of lacrosse ourselves which was v fun as I haven't played in about 5 weeks so I was getting pretty severe withdrawal symptoms. As we are very athletic types, we ordered a Chinese for nutritional purposes and watched a film as a cool down. Sadly I had to leave mid-film, which was Snatch by the way, my favorite. Nightmare. I bid a teary (I cried on the inside, like the tin man) farewell to my Canterbury family, and that was the end of my weekend. Dramatic.

I'd just like to point out that having spent the last 4 years in higher education hating the majority of computer science, I now miss learning. I wish to have new things presented to me on a daily basis i.e. to be educated more. Nothing major, just the odd interesting fact thrown my way wouldn't go amiss. Just a little realization I had the other day. It's hard to keep up with me isn't it!?!

This week I have several exciting events to look forward to! Friday is L's birthday so I will be back to Canterbury for that, Saturday I am going to see Michael McIntyre at Brighton with R, D and C and Sunday I am maybe going to watch the girls play lacrosse/possibly play if they don't have enough players, so not being funny but I hope the freshers get ill so I can play.

I'm away laughing on a fast camel (bye),

Luce

p.s. Who tried the 1950's thing after reading this??? ...............I knew it!

#4: Blue rinse please!

2009-11-06T13:28:00.000Z

I was thinking the other day that there is a distinct difference between the hairstyles of the young and the old. Ranging from long flowing locks of young girls, to the permed blue rinse worn by the older lady. This made me wonder, is there an age or a time in your life when you decide to call it a day and chop off all your lovely long hair in favor of an old lady hairstyle?

I think it's probably a day when you wake up in a really bad mood, look at yourself in the mirror and think "oh God I'm old!! I'm going to do something drastic.....Ring ring....Hello Nicky Clarke!? Cancel everything, prepare the bluest rinse you have, I'm ready for my old lady haircut!" This is surely a turning point in your life. Up until this point you may have been gripping on to your youth by your fingernails, pretending not to hear phrases like "mutton dressed as lamb", but having accepted the perm it means you have come to terms with the fact that you are getting on a bit, and maybe need to accept an elasticated waistband into your life. Having said this I am not suggesting that you go from long flowing locks straight to blue rinsed perm unless you are feeling particularly senile. The rinse and perm are the final steps of the process, reserved for the "elderly beyond repair, allowed to fart in public, hearing aid wearing, mobility scooter" kind of old.

The bit that I don't understand is the part where you chose to chop it all off- the middle aged hair. I remember quite clearly the day my mum decided to get rid of her long hair in favor of a hideous bowl cut. It was in the kitchen of our old house where we used to have a lady come round to cut our hair. I remember going into the kitchen and my mums hair was all over the floor and she was left with "I'm too old for long hair" hair, it was scarring.

What with all the modern technology knocking about at the moment will older people of the future, i.e. me in 40 years, be able to easily have the same hair they have now?! Bit of dye and some clip in extensions says yes! It will be such a confusing time if you see someone who looks 20 from behind but 80 from the front rolling about on a mobility scooter. I can just imagine my Grandma rocking a hairstyle like mine, she'd look like Donatella Versace only with slightly less leathery skin and not hideous like a sea monster. So on second thought, maybe it should be law that old people have old people hair so as not to confuse me, I'm just not looking forward to mine!

Over and out,

Luce x

War doesn't determine who is right, only who is left.

2009-11-05T09:50:00.000Z

Travel update: last week A and I popped back to see the lovely people at STA travel to book some more stuff for our Priceless Round-the-world Adventure Trip (PRAT). To compliment our flights we purchased a bus tour of New Zealand, called the funky chicken tour, and our first night hotel in Bangkok. This seemed like we had made quite a sizable dent in the overall travel purchase, no to mention my bank balance and I was feeling pretty smug til J (our helpful travel girl) pointed out that we have 89 more days to find accommodation for. Way to piss on our bonfire, J.

On Friday evening I attended a surprise 50th party for L's mum, the surprise being she's 63! I jest, she's 50, but that really would be a surprise wouldn't it!? I haven't been to an organised party since my 21st so this was a bit of a treat! In any other situation I would have hated the DJ, he started out well, played a few choooons to start with, but alas it seemed he peaked too soon! My friends and I were powering our way through the buffet so we could get up and dance to some of brilliant music he was playing. The second those forks hit the table he started playing cheese. Cheese is my worst nightmare. Agadoo!? It's not even a word! Anyway I thought I've got to pull this together there's nothing I can do, just suck it up, and you know what!? I had a right laugh! Turns out I know all the moves to the Casper Slide and I even got on the floor in my dress to do oops upside your head like a pro! Kids went flying when my friends and I took to the mic to do a (stunning) rendition of the Grease Megamix! The birthday girl got a bit battered and ended up flailing about wildly to some of that Greek music that gets faster and faster, she was surprisingly energetic considering the rest of us gave up halfway through, sweating like pigs (do pigs sweat?). Overall a smashing party! On the way out had the brilliant idea of nicking a few helium balloons and lets just just say some people had some weird voicemail messages the next morning!

Sadly four years ago on the 31st October a good friend died, so my friends and I who knew him like to meet up each year on this date to do something to remember him. This year we decided to go to T's new house in Faversham for a pool party. This is the second weekend in a row where I've found myself in the countryside, and this time I drove. Obviously my sat nav decided it was all too much and packed in before we even set off. So we relied on my iPhone which freaked out the second we jumped onto a road without streetlights, a little message flashed up, "don't go down there it's countryside, there's no wifi and it's DAAAARK". In a few years when Apple have developed a tears app for iPhone, my phone will cry when it thinks of this terrifying time. Once we finally found our way to T's massive new house we had a quick look around then whipped off our kit. This is not how we would usually greet our host but he was in the pool so we decided to join him. Wrong move. It was freezing and due to an embarrassing case of "smuggling peas" we got out pretty swiftly. The rest of the evening was nice and chilled, we stuffed our faces with Chinese (takeaway) and slobbed in front of X Factor and played a bit of rock band. We don't get together in a big group very often, so it was really nice to see everyone.

Sunday I did nothing in the day except go for a run, I am an athlete after all, and in the evening I went on an impromptu trip to the theater! My mum had some spare tickets to a show she was going to so A and I went along for laughs. The show was called Fascinating Ieda and it was very funny. It was just 3 women singing funny songs about the general goings on in the world. I appreciate a good laugh, so it was right up my street. A revelation they shared with us was "Jesus saves, but Tesco saves you more" and I think we can all agree that that is correct, especially when it's set to an uptempo piano tune! A fine end to the weekend.

Still at the same temp job this week, I'm getting quite used to it here and I pretty much know how things are run round here. The DHL men are adequately terrified of me to not bother me while I'm "working". All I have done for the last few days is read Twilight books, I'm now halfway through the 3rd book. Don't know if you know the books/film, but the main girl is so annoying its unreal. The two main characters are meant to be so madly in love with each other, that they're willing to spend eternity together as vampires, as you do. Given that they are besotted with each other they don't half spend time farting about being insecure that the other one is going to leave. Gods sake. Man up, Edward and turn Bella into a vampire quick so she stops bothering me with her non stop whining. If I was her, I'd take the werewolf, so up yours vampire!

This weekend, not doing much apart from going to Oceanas to celebrate G's birthday which should be fun. Might even go for another run to tone my 'svelte physique'.

Peace out,

Luce

P.s. you can find me on Twitter @lucychristopher

#3: Don we now our gay apparel, Fa la la la la la la la la!!!

2009-10-29T14:04:00.001Z

Today I would like to cover a topic that hopefully everyone will be able to relate to, because everyone's family has a different one. I am of course talking of the glorious CHRISTMAS DAY ROUTINE! Towards the end of the year this normally becomes a hot topic amongst my friends and we always end up describing our whole day to each other then we all take it in turns to disagree with everyone else's day. Some families power through all the presents, opening whatever is nearest to them whether its for them or not, resulting in the house looking like a bombs hit a Paperchase stock room, then just veg in their own filth for the rest of the day, munching through enough food to feed a small African country, slowly getting drunk, paying very little attention to their presents. In fact most families eat more than they would normally eat in a week, but that's what its all about isn't it? If at the end of the day you don't feel like you need your stomach stapled immediately then you have failed not only yourself, but Jesus, it's his birthday right?!

In my family, when it's our turn to host, it's run like a military operation. I jest thee not, there's an itinerary. That about sums up how much fun we have preparing for this event. My dad types up(!) a list(which will be taped to the kitchen wall, for convenience, you know?) of the precise times each individual food item needs to go in to the oven. 12.58-Cabbage, 1400 hours - Spouts!! You think I'm joking?! And because he's sticking to his plan so closely everyone's on their toes, because one wrong timer could spell disaster. He's keen to remind us of this, casually throwing around phrases like "no room for error" like our lives depend on the outcome of the Christmas dinner.

Whereas some families power through their presents in the morning, with everyone getting involved at once, we do it in a more ordered manner. Organised present opening is fun too right?! Wrong. Due to the fact that only one person is opening at a time, everyone else is sitting with a pile of presents, chomping at the bit waiting for their turn! And then of course you have to say thank you for each individual present before moving on to the next one All in all present opening takes my family around 4 hours and is very civilized indeed. I think I sound ungrateful here, I do appreciate all the presents I get but I do also enjoy a mild commotion during present opening occasions, I feel it only adds to the excitement.

By this time it's around 5 o'clock and it been at least 45 minutes since the most overindulgent lunch of the year has finished, must be time for some more food! So out comes the majority of Sainsburys plus whatever is left over from lunch. Now everyone's absolutely stuffed but still manages to pile a plate high with crackers, cheese, turkey, various other meats, and the obligatory cheesy footballs. Chow down, family! This is where belts get loosened and you have to show real commitment to finish off that damn plate of food. Thank God for those stretchy waists on those skirts eh Grandma?!

Right about the time when you're so full you think if you breathe too heavily you might chunder? Great! It must be time for some games! The family game of choice is charades. I know it's mean but our family revels in making sure Grandma and Granddad get something like "Willy Wonka" or something else that would be funny to see them act out. Granddad is pure comedy as he doesn't understand the concept of charades at all. While very loosely acting out his film/book, he will quietly whisper to his team what it is that he's acting out. Defeats the object doesn't it really, Granddad!?

Now comes the time that every family must surely have, that strange time when no one has any energy left for anything, you just slob in your own filth for about an hour. Those with a death wish will munch on a chocolate, these are the absolute Christmas day troopers, committed til the bitter end.

You too can enjoy all this in just 56 days...........

Luce x

Explosion at a pie factory, 3.14159 killed.

2009-10-28T14:06:00.001Z

Once upon a time there was a girl who spent her days in a business center reception, these days were boring and not worth mentioning in her blog, her weekend however was lavish, rich and compelling so I'm TOTALLY gonna tell you about it!

This weekend I was invited to stay with my uni bestie R and her lovely family (who I went to Spain with earlier this year) for her 21st get together shindig! They live in Oxfordshire, so on Friday evening I jumped onto the most crowded train in the world, it was my personal best in terms of crowdedness, and left the city! As a Londoner I obviously don't know where anything is outside of the M25, I just assume it's this magical place called "up north" where Eastenders characters go when they aren't quite important enough to be killed off. So I was surprised to find that Oxford is actually West of London. So the train I was on was not only packed to the brim it had on it two of the most annoying, snotty nosed brats ever! Their mother (the devil) seemed to think it reasonable for her two "angels" to crawl between other passengers legs, kicking and biting to get them to move, and opening the toilet door while people were in it. When one of them kicked me, I was so angry that I wanted them to bite me, because if they drew blood I had this whole "OH God I'm so sorry to tell you, but you might want to get your kid tested, I'm HIV positive, sob sob" act prepared. That would be the last time that kid ever bit. Luckily I didn't need my cleverly prepared, if not a bit harsh, speech because before I knew it I was in Didcot (I haven't heard of it either) where R was picking me up from. Now I thought R was joking when she said she lives in the middle of nowhere, but as we drove back to hers, the signal on my phone went completely and I knew we were surrounded by a pretty severe amount of countryside. I knew that I wouldn't be able to text/email/tweet til the next day so I just had to man up and take it, that or use a carrier pigeon/cup on a string or whatever they do for communication round there.

Saturday, A came round to join the "no signal crew" which now included a mum, a dad, a brother, a granddad, a grandma, a sister, a sisters boyfriend, an aunt and R and me. After a magnificent cooked breakfast, we headed to the races at Newbury. Having spent four years working in a bookie's I was convinced I would pay off my student loan that day. Wrong. Came out £6 up though so it's a start. Our favorite horse of the day was called Megalala, it didn't win but we just liked the name, A especially. More overindulgence ensued, had a massive steak for dinner then headed to Oxford for drinks. The clocks went back (thats the good way) so we had an extra hour in the bar, then flagged down a taxi to take us back to fields. On arrival back at R's manor I noticed that there aren't any street lights so you can see the sky perfectly. Countryside stars -1 London light pollution -0.

Sunday, woke up around 10, bummed around til yet more food- beef and kidney stew and treacle tart, yumola! Felt like a pregnant whale after that. Unfortunately we had to leave after that. R was a bit upset about leaving her family and had a little tear in the car, I'm useless in such cases to stayed quiet and hoped she didn't notice I didn't quite know what to say!

We then had to break R's car out of the hotel carpark we parked in the night before. It went pretty smoothly really, disappointing, I was expecting a scene similar to a silent movie car chase where we had to get away from heavily mustached police hanging out of the windows of their cars waving their truncheons menacingly while that cheesey car chase music played. Turns out we had a token to open the barrier so it wasn't quite the dramatic escape I was hoping for.

R dropped me off in Bromley :( where the signal is abundant and instead of wildlife we have chavs who roam the streets, stabbing each other as a form of greeting. I jest thee not, someone got stabbed outside Primark in Bromley the other day, a disagreement about the last 50p pair of tights no doubt. If you're gonna stab someone at least do it somewhere a bit different, people pretty much expect it outside Primark.

Since the weekend the only bit of excitement is that STA Travel Buzz want me to be one of their "explorers" and write a blog of my travels for them! It will be up and running soonish hopefully so watch this space!! Oh and in X factor news, apparently John and Edward got the most votes out of all the contestants this week. My God, if they win I feel I will have to do something dramatic, I don't know what yet, maybe I'll eat cake til I can't hear them sing anymore, WOULD YOU BE HAPPY THEN JOHNANDEDWARD?!? GOD!

This weeks exciting events include: tonight A and I are going to book a bus tour for New Zealand, Friday I will be attending L's surprise party and on Saturday I will be with everyone doing some as yet undecided activity for our annual get together in memory of D.

Peace brethren,

Luce x

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

2009-10-20T13:31:00.001+01:00

I thought I would start this weeks post with a little news round up of all the exciting stories and goings on in the world this week.

~'Balloon Boy' sets a new international standard for pranks.
~ Berlin's 'green' brothels offer a discount for cycling customers!
~ Harrods are going to start selling 12.5Kg bars of gold. I know what's on my Christmas list.
~ Leona Lewis gets a firm backhander to the face while signing copies of her new book at Waterstones. Shocking, isn't it? Anyone can have a book these days!

In more pressing news, I was at the same temp job again last week, singlehandedly making sure the majority of the Internet's content didn't go unread. I'm front of house at a business center where the majority of tenants know exactly how this place is run, effectively rendering me completely purposeless. To pass time I like to pretend I'm a world famous superstar (receptionist) when I sign for deliveries by doing huge signatures. I asked a DHL man "who shall I make it out to?" earlier. He didn't get it, so to punish him I signed his form with his own name which I copied off his name tag. Unlucky, John, looks like you're getting fired for thieving!

Most of the businesses in here are completely useless and will probably go into administration within the next 20 minutes, but the few interesting businesses do keep me entertained somewhat. For example, there's a modelling agency. By modelling agency I do of course mean one pervy bloke with enough funds to rent an office space. Every couple of hours some wannabe "model" struts up to reception and asks for directions to the clearly signposted office where perv resides. These models are not the sort of beautiful, blemish free stunners we are accustomed to seeing staring at us from the pages of Vogue, making us feel like a pig in a wig, NO NO! These are people so dumb, they will actually turn up for a 'casting' despite them looking like an acne-ridden elephant lady/man (sometimes we can't tell). I like to rate them in a strictly come dancing's Len Goodman style, as they trot off down the corridor. seVEN!!

OK, I'm not proud of it but, I've started reading the Twilight books. At first it was purely out of boredom at work and wanting to try out these new ebooks, I hate to admit it but damn it, I'm enjoying it! Next thing you know I'm going to be one of them! Those strange teenagers with stick on fangs and Gothic pale makeup, obsessed with Robert Pattinson, debating whether he was better in Harry Potter. The thing is, the story's not that good, not much really happens but it just so addictive! I admitted that I'm reading Twilight to D in a desperate bid to get help. He disowned me. Brilliant.

Over the last few weeks, especially at this job with nothing to do, I have become a bit obsessed with Twitter and it may well have overtaken Facebook in my league of social media tools. For those that don't know, Twitter is like Facebook but only with status updates. Wanna let the world know what you're doing right now? Who cares if you're only eating coco pops in your pants, crack it on Twitter! Anyway, Jack Wills is on Twitter and they must have seen one of my posts about my travel plans (which have changed yet again, see below) and they have asked if I would like to write a blog about it for them. Very exciting stuff, so watch this space!

Travel update: This is the final plan- Thailand, Australia, New Zealand, Fiji, LA and San Diego! Awoohoo! You're jealous aren't you? A and I went to STA travel on Sunday and sorted the flights out. It turned out to be a bit more expensive than we had expected and I thought A was going to herniate with all the stress. She had to have a quick chat to her mum to calm herself. She then informed the poor girl who had to help us, that she wanted to die. To cut a long story short, A didn't die and we fly to Bangkok on the 24th January for the biggest culture shock of our lives.

Pretty uneventful weekend, managed to pull a 10k run out of the bag! I was watching Jurassic Park at the time and the dinosaurs spurred me on. If I ever do get a place to run the marathon I'll have to make sure I have a 'Walking With Dinosaurs' box set strapped to my eyeballs and I ~~should be fine~~ will probably win.
Had to watch X Factor obviously. I just want to quickly mention those twins John and Edward who form the creatively named group, as Dermot says it "JonanEDWOOOOOOOD". They cracked out their own superbly shite version of Britney Spears' Oops I Did It Again, dressed in red PVC. Just because Britney wore PVC in the video does not mean you two prats should! At first I wanted to rip my eyeballs out and eat them, but then I realized it was so bad it was almost comedy! It was worth watching just to see the judges cracking up. They are the equivalent of a 3 legged sheep and a hippo entering Crufts.

This week I am at the same temp job, great, and this weekend I will be visiting Oxford to stay with R and her family. We are going to the races on Saturday so that should be funtimes! Little does R know that I have a number of dares for A(the you lick it you own it champion) who is also coming. Let's cause a scene.....

Over and out,

Luce x

#2: Ding ding! Who wants a ride on the nightmare chair!?

2009-10-15T10:50:00.002+01:00

Just when we thought the motorized ice cream cone was the epitome of laziness, ladies and gentlemen I give you, the "Hawaii Chair".

Watch this video clip without laughing, go on, I dare you! Now hands up who thinks this is a good idea for an office chair, seeing as this aimed at the chunky business professional with so little free time they can't possibly exercise. Now imagine trying to open a bank account with someone who is sitting on a Hawaii chair. It would be like handling a business transaction during a Saving Private Ryan action sequence. I can't think of a more inappropriate place to use it! It's reminiscent of the scene in Anchorman where Ron Burgundy 'sculpts his guns' in the office and I like to think that anyone who uses this chair would be like him.

Watch the video again, it looks like they're all having a severe seizure in the lower half of their bodies and continuing to work with the top half, like the two halves are not attached. I imagine this is what Mr Whippy looks like when he's having a poo. Kudos arms for getting on with your work and ignoring the nutty dance thats going on below.

To the makers of the Hawaii chair, who are ironically named "USA perfect" - You're mental. Stay away from my family.

#1: Fattys unite!

2009-10-12T15:53:00.002+01:00

I know I have already posted today but this has been brought to my attention and it cannot go unnoticed! Behold:

Shit. The. Bed!. A motorized ice cream cone. It spins the ice cream so you don't have lick all the way round. I mean, my God, how fat/American can you get!? This would surely only be a seriously considered purchase by the fattest of the fat!? Like round people, you know? The kind of person that when they walk the Earth shifts slightly out of orbit. What absolute donut thought there might be a gap in the market for such a product!? Surely, the only consumer who would contemplate acquirement of said item would clearly inhale ice cream by the bucket load, so going to the effort of repeatedly scooping ice cream into this device would defeat the object of the product completely.

Look at the girl on the box. She doesn't want to be there, I know it, she knows it, and if it wasn't for her desperate determination to break into the modelling world, we all know damn well that she wouldn't. I know times are hard, wannabe model, but have a little self respect. On closer inspection I don't even believe you're even eating that ice cream, wannabe model, so put some bloody effort in, you disgust me!

Oh my, I might make 'useless product review' a weekly edition to this blog, I quite enjoyed that rant.

Luce x

A G N B: that's bang out of order.

2009-10-12T11:28:00.001+01:00

Oh my God, such a good weekend. Drove down to Canterbury on Friday night to see my fave canters odd squad R, D, AJ etc. Chilled with a Chinese (takeaway) in the evening then started up an eyebrow plucking production line to sort out my unibrowed crew. Everybody was shattered so ZZzzzzzzzz...

Saturday went into town for Maccies lunch, bit inappropriate considering that evenings tight attire but bitches gotta eat right!? Quick look round the shops then a brief but necessary alcohol run to Sainsburys. The theme of the night was Sex And The City at the request of R, whose 21st we were celebrating. I had the city bit covered.

Now I hate getting ready to go out but this lot are ridiculous! They take YEARS! Got ready in about half an hour then got bored of waiting around so went over to AJ's where we started the night with a bit of a gathering. Cracked open the vino with D and got started. Saw C who I haven't seen for ages, and her new bf who was lovely, met a new lax fresher and quite a few people turned up which was cracking. Taxi to the Venue (my home place of the last 4 years). Cue rude, power-trippy bouncer lady. She told me there were no more sign in slots so I asked to speak to the manager. Manic eye rolling and tutting like I had just come into her house at Christmas and pissed on her kids. We had spoken to the manager earlier in the night so I knew it would be fine so I prepared my finest "told you so" look. Made a mental note of her face so if I am to punch a Venue bouncer again, I can aim for her.

Such a good night! Some plonker mentioned the "you lick it you own it" game, and me being a bit merry thought it was the best idea I've ever heard. Turned into a pretty competitive game, D bowed out pretty early and left this intense sport to the real players. Needless to say the people in the venue don't taste great, but we felt compelled to move on to bigger and better targets. Enter last year's shite X factor pop duo Same Difference. Made our way gracefully (?) to the side of the stage where we planned to beckon them over and lick them. A cunning and artful plan. The Venue, however, had obviously seen us coming because there was a plastic tape stopping us from rushing the stage and a bouncer there with a machine gun! (I made the machine gun bit up, but it was tense!) Touché, tape, touché! We thought it appropriate to flash the "performers" the V's. However the girl looked over and we felt kinda bad coz it turns out she's only about 9. Nearing the end of their set we bit through the tape in a dramatic bid to get to the stage but they were whisked away, probably back to some sort of padded cell where they can think about what they've done.

Rest of the night was a bit of a blur, saw some people from my course who I haven't seen for a year which was nice, did a bit of crazy dancing then managed to make it back to 52, my old house, and "liberate" some pizzas out of the fridge. See food!! Yum. Back to AJ's to catch some Z's. Zzzzzzzzz....

Keen to stick to the theme of the night before we put on sex and the city in the morning and ended up watching 9 episodes which took up about 4 and a half hours. Epic. Went down to the Old Bev for a spot of lunch. Scampi? Yes please. Had a bit of a lacrosse throw about in the park afterwards which just made me miss lax even more. Snack time! Back to AJ's with R and A for film time. Watched The Sweetest Thing which is normally a proper rib tickler but I was so tired I couldn't even laugh and dozed off a bit. Woke up and it was dark, panicked because I had to get home. I really didn't want to go home.

All in all a brilliant weekend but wish it was longer/permanent Canterbury time! May try and get a job in Canterbury when I come back from travelling and maybe live with J next year when she's got over the whole 'living in France' thing. And R. And AJ. Oh God it would be so epic!

This week I am still at Waterfront Studios doing nothing, am about as useful as Anne Frank's drum kit. Aim to run at least 21k this week, that's half a marathon. Effort. That's literally all I have planned. Back to Canters now please. Thank you.

Luce x

PS didn't hear anything from Superdry, mugs. Perhaps they knew how much I would rinse the discount....

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public

2009-10-08T15:54:00.001+01:00

When I was told to go and buy a new dress for this Saturday's events, I must have misheard because I came home from a trip to Bluewater with a new pair of Nike high tops and no dress. Oops. I can't stop spending money! I have no money but I can't stop spending anyway. I'm off to Bluewater again this evening and I'm worried for my bank balance. I'm only going for an interview, but that interview will take place in a SHOP! Might leave my card in the car.

On the way to my car having bought the aforementioned trainers I was in such a good mood due to the purchase that I was power-strutting through the car park and I fell flat on my arse, and obviously there were people there to see. I wasn't even a dramatic fall with a broken bone to show for it, it was a slow feet went from under me, land sitting down type fall. Nightmare. An OLD LADY asked me if I was ok for gods sake!

Later that day I was offered some temp work for the rest of the week, so every cloud.

I am currently at the temp job. I'm just manning reception at a place that gets NO VISITORS and no phone calls. I asked the bloke what else he wanted me to do and he just said thats it. I thought he was joking, but unfortunately not. I've sat on the Internet for the last two days solid trawling through rubbish web pages! I'm getting paid to do this. Only upside is the water cooler, which I love. I'm writing this post because i have nothing else to do, I don't even have much to talk about!

OHH major developments to the travelling plan! On Tuesday evening A and I met up with our friend N who went travelling last year. She gave us a load of tips for what to do and what not to do. The plan changed dramatically that night and here's the new plan: 2 weeks in Thailand, 6 weeks in Australia, 3 weeks in New Zealand and a week in San Diego(home of Ron Burgundy). So it's all very exciting really. We are going to be booking the flights next week.

Well thats it for now. I have a fun filled weekend in Canterbury ahead of me!

Luce x

Like most people my age, I'm 23...

2009-10-06T01:10:00.001+01:00

This week has been painfully uneventful on the work front but pretty fun in all other respects. I have not worked a single day in 2 weeks which I really wouldn't mind but it does mean I am shockingly strapped for cash and given the amount I've been out I'm floating swiftly towards bankrupcy. Thankfully I have bagged some reception work for some company in docklands on Weds and hopefully Thurs and Fri.

Last thursday me, A and AH went to New Look's 40th anniversary party @ Maya in Soho. This turned out to be a rubbish idea as AH's promotions guy failed miserably, and to cut a long story short, we hot footed it across town to Bank to a place called Abacus, the biggest meat market in London! Funtimes. Night bus home, not such a funtime. I didn't know exactly where it stopped so I decided we should get off at Bromley common. Seconds after we got off the bus I realised it went quite near my house, needless to say A was not a happy bunny. We had to walk for about 3 days to get back to mine!
Friday, drinks in Greenwich with A, AH and S. Illegal rape taxi home, risky but warmer than a tube. Stayed at AHmanor.

Saturday shopping trip to Portsmouth in my fave car, the AH audi. Hit Ralph Lauren and Jack Wills like a ton of bricks! Not a good move considering the aforementioned money situation but whatever. Evening I went over to Croydon to visit one of my Canterbury kids, AJ, we had a cracking chillout sesh and it put me in a really good mood! Watched Xfactor and a film. Pizza? Yes! Made me feel better bout not being in Canterbury all the time, it will just be even better when I do get to see my Canters crew as long as they don't forget about me!

Sat and Sun I ran 4.5km and today(mon) I managed a 5k in my best time yet so I'm pretty pleased right now. Move aside Radcliffe, you useless shite! Also, putting in gym time gives me a good excuse to view the lovely new fitness instructor. I nearly fell off a running machine in front of him the other day, so the plans to impress are not going well.

Upcoming events this week: Tomo bluewater with D, eve Queens Head with A and N, work weds/thurs/fri, weekend- to Canterbury for R birthday, and as they say in the onion business-"that's shallot!"

Peace out,

Lucy x

So Jesus turned water into wine, I once turned a whole student loan into vodka. Your move Jesus....

2009-09-30T12:30:00.001+01:00

So I thought I'd get this thing rolling by giving a brief recap of my life so far:

First 18 years, pretty standard. Primary school, purple secondary. Provided some major funtimes.

For the last four years I've been at Kent Uni studying computer science. Just for reference computing is one of the most coma-inducingly boring subjects ever to have existed. It should be reserved for those with skin so pale its almost translucent due to underexposure to sunlight, large beards and a crippling social ineptitude. It was these aforementioned unfortunates that I had the 'pleasure' of studying with. This group will henceforth be referred to as "the nerds". Brilliant. Imagine my shock when I turned up to meet them all on the first day. Distinct lack of talent doesn't even begin to describe it. The vast majority of the nerds couldn't talk to me, and the ones that could, could not do so without staring at my boobs. Presumably none of them had ever come into contact with a real life girl before. To summarize, computing was possibly the worst idea of all time. However, every other aspect of uni life I loved.

I managed to fail my second year due to me hating computing and loving dossing about. This turned out to be one of the best things I've ever done. In my third year I only had to repeat the modules I failed, so the most I ever had a week was about 4 hours of lectures. Piss. I also joined the lacrosse team having never played before which was an inspired decision I think because we had a blinding first year as a team, earning the title "best social team on campus". Such a laugh and got to meet some serious coolkids. The silly bitches even appointed me social sec for the second year, a wise decision. My final year was the best year ever. I had a brilliant house near to everyone, good housemates* and made a load of new fresher mates. On reflection I think me and my mates were possibly the laziest people on the planet in the last year when we weren't playing lacrosse or out drinking. such:

Many discoveries were made: we're better at lacrosse when drunk, it only takes a small set of stairs outside Rutherford to have a cracking day and chilling on the skanky sofas at 52/tyler is just epic. All things come to an end and I managed to just about pass my degree. Winner.

The summer after canters me and my home friends A,AH,L,S,S rented a house in Rock in Cornwall for a week, to get away from all the stress you know!? It was a cracking week even though it rained pretty much all week, some major funtimes were had by all. (beach in the rain-we're gonna get wet anyway right?!)

Sadly had to return to work after that and actually start to et on with my grown up life. Rubbish. However a few weeks later a uni mate R had the blinding idea of asking me to go to Spain with her and her family for a week. We had a great time and discovered our secret synchronised swimming talents!

So basc, that it til now. I've quit my job at the bookies and I'm looking for something til Feb when I'm going to Australia for 3 months, result!

OK i'm gonna stop now for fear of a repetitive strain injury from excessive typing.

Peace out.

Luce x

Oh by the way, the * next to good housemates above is because 2 of them now don't talk to me. But they started out as good housemates so the statement stands.