The only thing I'm interested in during the 12 days of Christmas is the 5 gold rings. You can shove your partridge AND your pear tree!

I really struggle to remember what I have done in my life.  Anything I did over a week ago is lost to me, I may have early onset Alzheimers.  Maybe I have early onset Alzheimers?!  I think I'm going to need to start a diary/ hire someone to record every detail of my life into a series of informative podcasts. I could have a person with a different accent each week to keep things f-f-fresh! When I make it big, I will hire Steven Fry and occasionally Beyonce to sing it. Her silky tones will skip gently over the boring details and emphasize better details of my life into a soulfull ballad. Cracking!


I was still in Canterbury when I wrote my last post so I shall endevour to catch up from there. It snowed LOADS on the Thursday evening which made me feel all wintery and mildly festive so on the Friday morning bright and early, D, M, AJ and I decided to hit the ice rink hard. Took us ages to get there because wussy people freak out on the roads when it's cold, but when we got there it was so worth the wait because the rink was completely empty! Best day ever! It wasn't even one of those pathetic small rinks, it was a full size fat old mother hubbard of a rink! Pretty lucky really because otherwise there may well have been a few civilian casualties courtasy of AJ who went spread eagle on her arse quite a few times. M also had a fight with the ice and lost. Face first. Being a good friend, I took it upon myself to distract any onlookers from this utter shambles with some blazing triple salchos and the occasional backflip. Just call me Jane Torvil (actually, don't). When we returned to Canterbury, D and I decided to start watching Gavin and Stacey from the beginning. Managed it spectacularly and finished 2 series and a Christmas special in under 24 hours. D's room smelt of wine and looked a bit like a crack den afterwards but that's the price you pay for watching comedy gold solidly for a day. I emerged with a slight Welsh twang and the urge to eat an omlette! I can safely report that Gavin and Stacey is one of the best comedy series at the moment and it's a crying shame it's ending on New Years Day.


Fast forward and I'm back home in London with a dinner party to prepare for- nightmare! Rush rush, panic panic! Popped to the nearest big Tesco to stock up on ingredients. I can't have been in there for more than about 15 minutes but when I returned it had snowed about a foot. What would normally be a 15 minute dash home took me well over an hour. I feared for my life! I have to go up and down a steep hill to get to mine and in the snow it had become what can only be described as a bobsleigh run (see Cool Runnings for further details). Cars were taking it in turns to attempt the hill and the 4x4 in front of me obviously thought he would be fine in his huge vehicular and gunned it down the hill only to skid into a bush.  Initially I thought it was very funny indeed, but then I realised I was next and if a massive 4x4 can't do it, my tiny Ka was going to catapault me to certain bush bound death. It didn't, result! I crawled down the hill and went sideways round the corner but I made it in one piece. I would have given the cocky 4x4 driver the V's if my hands weren't firmly glued to the steering wheel with fear! My friends braved the Arctic conditions to get to mine for dinner and in attendance was A, A, L, S and S. We had a goats cheese tartlet with onion relish for starter, stuffed chicken, potato gratin and salad for main and L's famous chocolate mousse for dessert. Some minor calculations were carried out and it turns out there were 7600 calories in the massive bowl of chocolate mousse! A heart attack waiting to happen. Anyway it was a lovely dinner ad we washed it all down with a game of trivial pursuit which we were pretty much all completely useless at. Genius edition, just not worth it.

Yeah I'm dressed as an elf, what of it?

This is me on Christmas eve.  We planned to go out dressed in Christmas based attire.  I was so excited about it I was wearing my elf costume by 2pm.  The register for the evening was as follows: 2x elves (me and A), a slutty santa (A), a normal Santa (S) and an angel/fairy(angry?) (S).  Cracking.  We started in Bromley then headed to Croydon to Reflex, where cheesy music is rife.  Any time other than Christmas Eve I would not venture anywere near Reflex, cheesy music is my Achilles heel, but it's fun/bearable at Christmas.  We danced the night away looking festive, and most people there had the same clothing ideas as us.  There were a few oddballs including D who wore an elephant costume, I also spotted a clown, a gimp, a ninja and Jigsaw from the Saw films.  Not entirely festive but a good effort nonetheless. 


Christmas day, I was up at the crack of 8am woken by annoyingly excited sister who is old enough to appreciate a lie in but for some reason chooses not to.  Opened a stocking comprised of travelling goodies and half of a joke shop, including wind up racing pigeons, a rubber chicken that lays an egg if you squeeze it, travel soap and a fold up travel frizbee!  Who knew such things existed, my room looks like Hawkins Bazaar!  Breakfast was scrambled eggs and smoked salmon, tickled my tastebuds a treat and served as a warm up round for lunch.  As always lunch was epic!  We had beef, not the traditional turkey, a middle finger up to society by anyones standards.  I ate enough to fuel an 18 stone man through a marathon.  Note to self: must reduce calorie intake to that of a small mouse until travelling for fear of being harpooned on the beach.  After lunch was the usual, opened some lovely presents and generally slobbed.  Not gonna lie, I completely forgot about the Christmas challenge I set.  Oops!  I was too busy dominating all things board game.  Why don't board games get cracked out more often?  They're brilliant.  There's no greater ego massage than answering a few difficult Trivial Pusuit questions!  We even threw in a few rounds of charades, and I became the Christopher family chair stacking expert.

Doesn't everyone look enthused about charades?! ps how impressive is my chair stacking!?

Later on Christmas day, my Mum informed me that my present was to be a "wodge of cash" towards my travels!  Result.  I like the sound of a wodge.

On the day after Boxing day (Cage Fighting day?) I was invited to go and see the Harlequinns vs Wasps game at Twickenham courtasy of uncle A.  Not one to turn down the opportunity to view several rugby players I wrapped up in all the clothes I own and headed to Twickenham with A, cousin T and my Dad.  The entertainment was 3 of this year's X Factor contestansts, Olly, Lucie and Jamie who were really good and had the whole crowd singing sex on fire.  A lovely panoramic:

Unfortunately Quinns lost 21-20.  Butterfingers, oopsy!  So overall a brillo Christmas, but ate like a morbidly obese pig so must get down the gym!

Coming to a Thurday near you:  New Years Eve!  I will be in a hot tub supping champers for this occassion.  What's everyone else up to?

May a partridge sit in your pear tree.  Tutty bye.

Luce x
ps. I still want to see more of your Christmas pictures!

Lucy's Christmas Day Challenge!

Christmas is an exciting time of year, and it's not exactly because people are celebrating the birth of Jesus H Christ (I have it on good authority that Jesus's middle name was Harriet).  We use Christmas as an excuse to give each other presents, get drunk and eat too much etc etc.  I think of it as a way to reset the brain in preparation for the new year.  Inevitably the run up to the big day will be more fun than the actual day itself.  Halfway through lunch you will realise it has been a massive anticlimax because you have nothing to do for the rest of the day.  I have taken it upon myself to devise a fun challenge for people to partake in, post-lunch on Christmas day.  It will be known the world over as Lucy's Christmas Afternoon Challenge, LCAC (l'cac in French.  Oui oui la bon mange tous!...yeah!).  Pronounced "el cack" like a bad mexican restaurant.  Say it out loud, and put emphasis on the cack!  WOOO HOOO now we're rolling!!

This is me in my Christmas mood.  You will struggle to find anyone quite as festive.

Dress up challenge:  It is enevitable at somepoint a relative will fall asleep, schoolboy error.  You must try and put a Father Christmas hat on them (10 points) send me a picture of you and said relative on Twitter http://twitter.com/lucychristopher Extra 10 points for anyone who can get a beard on them too (If they already have a beard, 1000 points if you shave it off!)


Tumbleweed challenge:  This is a creative challenge!  I would like you to come up with a really bad Christmas based pun, and annouce it to your family over lunch!  The worse the better, I'm looking for tumbleweed silence.  Some example subject matter could be Santa's sack, dangling baubles or something about stuffing a turkey.  Tweet me your pun and your family's reaction, points will be awarded according to how cringeworthy it is.


See food challenge:  The vast majority of humans hate brussel sprouts, yet we are forced to munch them come the festive season.  As no one likes them, there will be plently left over for this challenge.  I want you to see just how many brussels (hells vegetable) you can fit in your mouth at one time.  If anyone's seen that episode of The Vicar of Dibley where Dawn French stuffs down 3 roast dinners you will know what I'm talking about!  I want to see a picture of you straining to shut your mouth around a bowlfull of sprouts.  Points will be awarded according to how many you fit in.  If you spit them out there will be no points.  Obviously I won't be able to tell if you spit them out, but you will undoubtedly have a hugely guilty conscience about claiming unearned LCAC points.


Best/worst present challenge: Pretty self explanatory this one, I would like to see you with your best and worst presents.  Points according to how awesome/crap they are.


Mysterious spare present challenge: You will need some preparation for this.  The challenge: find a present which will be embarrassing for someone to open in front of your family, label it to someone and stick it under the tree with the rest of the presents.  This can range from a Miley Cyrus CD for your emo younger brother, to a present from the naughty bit of Ann Summers for your nan, depending on how big your balls are.  Capture a picture of your family's reaction to the present being opened and you're on to a winner!




I would also like to see pictures of you looking festive on Christmas day and if possible your family Christmas photo, and any other festive treats you might like to show me!  You can send me them here: 


My Twitter start your tweet with @lucychristopher and include a #LCACchallenge tag if you like!
My Facebook page if you're not on Twitter you can Facebook/email me.


I will put the best pictures in my next blog and announce the overall winner of the day, bet you can't wait.  Good luck with the LCAC challenge everyone!


Festive love,


Luce x

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart!

Cómo está, bitches?!  Last week I didn't do a post about my weekend because it was so coma inducingly boring that meerly recalling it would have caused my brain to seep from my skull.  It was evidently so dull that I am actually struggling to think of anything I did......................I just reffered to my phone to see if last weeks messages would fill me in.  Apparently A and I made dinner on friday and vegged out in front of the TV, paying little no regard for our struggling beach bods which will be required to be perfectly toned in around a month.  Saturday we went swimming.  See, I told you it was boring. 

The following week saw me finish at the temp job I've been at for the last few months.  It was emotional.  I left D with the new girl M then walked slowy into the distance like that sad scene in the Incredible Hulk, occasionally turning back looking forlorn.  The following day I had a 1 day job at a place opposite Harrods, manning their reception.  I later found out I was covering the only person in the building intelligent enough to book a day off work the day after their Christmas party.  I found this out by being the first person to arrive,  then when people did show up they looked like they were suffering from some pretty serious 4* hangovers.  They were sweating pure vodka.  I said "morning" to one guy who stumbled through the door at around 10.30 he just said "oh God" and shuffled off to his seat and put his head on the table.  I used this day to be creative and managed to devise a Christmas day challenge for all to participate in (look out for a post which should be up at the end of this weekend for full details!)

Thursday evening saw me partake in a poker tournament with L and S.  Needless to say I was one of the first to go out.  L came painfully close to winning but kept chickening out in the final and essentially just gave her chips to the guy she was playing.  Won £30 though so that was pretty winner.  £5 of that was what I lost, but I won't moan about it, I'll just move on.  I mean it's just a game right?  Someone's got to lose.  Just so happens it was me.  £5 would buy me a lot of things right now, and in the current economic climate some may say it was frivolous to have placed such a bet in the first place.  Anyway, congrats L on your win.  Bitch. 

On Saturday I was treated to the very rare Christopher family meet up.  This event is so occasional that I haven't seen some of the Christophers for around 7 years or so, which became demonstrably evident when one of my younger cousins actually asked who I was.  We had a festive dinner complete with crackers with paper hats and beyond terrible jokes.  I was on the cousins table which consisted of 4 cousins under 18 and of the 4 that are old enough to drink, 2 were driving.  Sticking 2 bottles of wine on our table was pretty erroneous.  Not gonna lie, by the end of the night, in the words of Michael McIntyre "I was utterly gazeboed".  Big shout out to my home girl Granny for picking up the tab!

As a write this now I am in Canterbury, in a computer lab which I spent quite a bit of time in during my degree.  I thought it appropriate to break in and relive my uni days by living it up in the electronics department.  I, of course, do jest, D is here finishing off a bit of coursework so I thought I would accompany him with a few packets of percy pigs for sustanence.  I drove down here yesterday and joined in on a fun mixed lacrosse game.  Mixed lacrosse is always hard as the boys and girls games are completely different.  The guys are body armour wearing, blood thirsy ball hoggers with little regard for people's welfare who play a horribly disjointed, aggressive game which mainly consists of them smacking each other, whereas the girls game is a joy to watch and runs as smoothly as a Tchaikovsky ballet (with minor aggressive undertones, we're sly about it though).  It was a fun game and we even carried on when it started snowing, we're nails!  D and I then went into town for a spot of mexican at Cafe Des Amis, we had fajitas which were buff and some Doctor Zeuss wine.  Powered up to the Venue after another cheeky bottle of wine in Spoons and danced the night away with the lacrosstitutes.  WINNER!  This morning I surveyed my camera only to find around 40 pictures featuring the floor and my fingers over the lens.  Photography fail! 

Recently I have been prompted into thinking about how much I use my phone.  This was brought to my attention when I was asked what I'm going to do while I'm travelling without my iPhone.  I was asked this on three separate occasions this week.  I rely so heavily on my phone that will never find me without it, the thought of not having it on me actually causes me to panic!  I have never turned my phone off and the idea of me not being contactable by phone/email/facebook/twitter/text/carrier pigeon at all times literally fills my soul with crippling fear.  While I'm travelling I assume I will be so preoccupied that I won't realise I don't have it, but that's just what I'm telling myself to keep calm.  I plan to get an Australian phone when I get there but that still means 3 weeks of uncontactable hell in Thailand.  I will of course be visiting internet cafes occasionally, I'm not a savage, but it's just not the same as having Twitter at your fingertips to publish your every thought.  If anyone has any advise on this topic please do not hesitate to contact me by any of the methods mentioned above. 

Stay strong, brethren.

Luce x

#8: Christmas shopping etiquette

Everyone hates Christmas shopping.  I have never in my life heard someone say "oh BRILLIANT it's time to start Christmas shopping!".  This is for 2 reasons:
1. You never know what to buy people
2. Unless you can can do all your shopping online, you're going to have to brave the shops.

 

Shopping for other people is stressful at the best of times, but at Christmas you have the added pressure of getting presents right because you know Jesus is watching, it's his birthday after all!  Nah, I jest he probably gets loads of his own presents from God, the "virgin" Mary and all his other heaven mates, he's to busy partying with them and preening his beard to care what you got!  People are desperate to buy interesting presents instead of resorting to the standard smellies, chocolates or jewellery.  This desperate attempt to find a unique gift results in some weird present ideas that seem like such a good idea at the time of purchase.  For example, last year my mum had the pleasure of acquiring a goat from a friend.  Sadly, it is not currently rummaging through the garden as she didn't actually receive said goat, it was sent to SOMEONE ELSE!  All my mum got was a picture of a goat and a little story about where Jerome (what I would have called the goat had it made it to our house) was headed!  And do you know what, I don't even think the picture was of Jerome, I reckon it was of some every day, non-specific unphotogenic goat with no charisma.  There wasn't even a follow up picture of Jerome with his new family happily playing in a field/being roasted and eaten.  So essentially my mum's Christmas present was a  picture of a goat.  Great.  Have fun writing a thank you card for that one...."Dear ex-friend......"

Jerome looking festive

 

As we all know, shopping centres can be a nightmare and this is particularly poignant during the festive season.  I feel there should be a strict code of conduct to be followed when Christmas shopping to minimise stress.  I have devised this set of Christmas shopping rules:

• No pushchairs.  If you have children have the decency to leave them at home.  People with pushchairs think they own the shop and feel they have right of way in any situation.  Christmas shoppers don't have time to divert their course to avoid pushchairs, so pushchairs, you're banned.
• No children.  Kids have a tendancy to wonder aimlessly without looking in the direction they are travelling.  They weave a path of destruction wherever they go.  I don't have time to deal with you, you're banned.
• No injuries.  People with injuries are wusses and we don't need them.  Thus they are banned, crutches/wheelchairs get out.
• Suitable footwear and a good breakfast! A combination of the two will allow a speedy and comfortable trip.  Speed is key.  Get in, get out.
• 1 minute browsing time.  A single minute is all it takes to decide whether you want to purchase a particular item.  Don't umm and err.  Buy it or put it back. 
• Avoid distractions.  If you feel compelled at any point to buy yourself something, you are beginning to lag.  Go for a coffee break to refuel, make it quick though.  If possible try one of the festive options, a toffee nut latte will give you an adequate kick in the baubles!

Happy shopping!  Festive spirit and all that..

Luce x

ps Don't be selfish, think of Jerome and other such livestock during this festive period.

#7: Chavtastic advertising

So the other week I was sitting in a coffee shop with R and A and some of the more chavvy Canterbury residents walked in.  No offense chavs but afternoon tea is just not for you, don't you have some grannies to terrorize?  But (that's right I'm starting a sentence with but!) then I thought: chavs drink tea too, why must I have this narrow minded view of tea drinkers?  I realized this is the fault of advertisers, aiming their products at normal run of the mill people and forgetting the poor chavs.

A brief history of the chav: A chav is an aggressive British youth, typically unemployed who repeatedly engages in antisocial behavior such as drug taking, fighting, drinking and stealing.  Your average chav will wear a tracksuit, ridiculous amounts of moody gold known as bling, trainers and peaked hat of some description.  Favored brands include Burberry, Adidas and Reebok.  Chav speak is an interesting dialect of mainly incomprehensible mumbling punctuated with swearing and choice chavvy words like "bruv",(brother/friend/business associate) "naaaa meeeen"(do you know what I mean), "aaariiiyt"(how are you), "muvas life"(goodness me) and my personal favorite "cor chicken eyebrow boi"(.....???).  They are fuelled by white lightning, chicken and chips, weed and cocaine but I believe with the right marketing, chavs could broaden their horizons and start drinking tea.  Baby steps.  Before you know it they will be valued members of society, not dole-dependent social cripples.  Introducing the new PG tips advert (chav edition):

This is my cast.  Look at the state of them.  You'd need a rabies shot to go anywhere near them (bare this in mind future director of this advert!).  These are typical chavs, my target audience will immediately relate to this rowdy bunch of mugs (if you are finding yourself identifying with them you may want to consider a lifestyle overhaul). 

Let's set the scene:  the advert begins with the chavs sitting on a bench in a council estate, smoking and drinking cheap beer and looking intimidating.  It's overcast because the sun doesn't shine on chavs.  Enter Johnny Vegas (face and chins of PG) head to toe in Burberry.  He bowls up the chavs:

Johnny: "Yo yo, gangster diggidy dawgs"

Chavs laugh and there is a general rolling of eyes, a keen chav might kiss his teeth...

Johnny: "Listen brethren, I totally have a safe (excellent/kosher) new beverage for your consideration, behold....."

Johnny unzips his hoody to reveal a tea bag on a thick gold chain around his neck.  Ideally some dramatic music would begin at this point and the sun would appear from behind the clouds and illuminate Vegas in all his glory (?)

Johnny: "'E're son, let this tickle your taste buds"

Hands main chav (Tyrone) a cuppa which he sips cautiously.  Chav enjoys the tea.

Tyrone: "What a positively delightful aroma, this makes a change from this repugnant cider"

The rest of the chavs look shocked at the new articulate Tyrone.  Girl chav (Chantelle) looks disgusted.

Chantelle: "What's that homosexual hot beverage done to ya Tyrone?!?"

Tyrone: "I don't know, but I now realise I have been wasting my life, I'm going to seek employment and flaunt my new elegant loquaciousness"

Johnny looks impressed and the rest of the chavs fight over the cup of tea. Cuts to a scene of the ex-chavs now all smartly dressed, frolicking and enjoying each others company in a cheesy advert way, while the voiceover man says the new tagline:

"PG tips. Chav fuel."

Chavs will never be the same. You're welcome.

Luce x

How many Alzhiemers patients does it take to change a lightbulb?.......To get to the other side!?

Last weekend was my first at home in a month.  I had no plans at all, which made a change, but it does give me very little to write about.  Here goes....

Friday- got a chinky takeaway with the parental unit, yum.  Watched loads of crap TV all night like a bed-ridden obese person.  Hired a forklift to transport me to my bed.  I jest, I skipped graceful as an antelope leaping across an African plain towards a water hole.  Brilliant.

Saturday- Due to lack of funds, could not venture to ANYWHERE of excitement so I had an admin day.  I got quite a bit done!  Maybe I should be a professional housewife?  I did some washing and ironing and some general admin of the bedroom area.  I feel I aged somewhat during this time.  Hit the gym pretty hard, Free Willy was on the TV.  Last time I ran 10k, Jurassic Park was on, so I thought Free Willy being of a similar genre would push me into doing another long run.  Wrong.  It seems Willy does not strike the same "keep running" fear into me that a mighty T-Rex does.  He's called Willy for starters!  I gave up at 5k when Jessie started stroking Willy (ooh err!).  Killer whale my arse, bite him!  Having said this killer whales are one of the very few things I'm actually scared of.  The fear began when I saw an advert a few years back in which a killer whale, complete with trainer, jumped out of a pond in slow motion.  First of all, First Direct, what do whales have to do with your insurance policy or whatever it is you're trying to sell?  Secondly, the possibility that Shamu may be lurking in a nearby pond is terrifying and unnecessary.  Sooooooooo, after that little gym/whale fiasco I returned home to find G unit (grandparental unit, not the well known hip-hop group, although how cool would it be if 50 cent was in fact, my grandad!?) having a cup of tea and a natter on the sofa.  They are both as deaf as each other regardless of their hearing aids.  They decided to sit at opposite ends of the room, so a shouting match ensued.  It's pretty funny viewing, but also a blaring reminder of what the future holds for me!  I'm going to be such an awesome old person.  I'm going to fully embrace my elderliness with a blue rinse and elasticated waistband, zimmer-framing about, embarrassing the younger generations!

Sunday- met up with A and D for an "old lady day" which consisted of a walk in some local woods.  Obviously we got lost.  We had to defeat the object of being in the woods and use iPhone maps to find our way out.  Clever iPhone.  We passed many dog walkers and young families and fellow old ladies.  Why when you are anywhere with grass, do people say hi as they walk past?  If I started saying hi to people on the tube I'd get punched in the face.  I may join a rambling society.  I enjoy wellies.  We took shelter in Starbucks when it started to rain then had a little trot round a few shops in Bromley.  It was surprisingly quiet considering it's Christmas in 23 days.  Given that Bromley is a squalid rabies infested chav pit, the H&M is uncharacteristically magnificent!  I tried on some jeans that I can't afford til next week, no queue for the changing room.  I kind of want to live there.

Monday- I found out at work on Monday that our new ad video is done.  Great.  Then I found out that I'm in it!  Check out this diabolical shitfest here!  Note the very professional looking receptionist at about 42 seconds in.  She looks familiar, I've definitely seen her before, maybe on the front cover of vogue!!?!?! No? Oh.  In the evening A and I decided to attend a travel talk hosted by STA travel buzz, who I will be writing for while I'm travelling.  It was at the Covent Garden shop where A and I have booked our flights and other travel stuff for our trip.  When we arrived we saw J, who organised our trip, make a swift exit, hopefully not because she saw us coming.  Anyway, the talk was really helpful, it was all about Australia which we haven't booked anything for yet.  We heard about the 2 different choices of bus we can take and about a few places we can stay.  Then C and S from STAtravelbuzz told us about the explorer programme!  As I've already pledged my soul to them, there was a little pic of me on their slideshow which was pretty cool!  I have only spoken to C and S on Twitter so it was great to meet them.  Having heard everything there is to know about travelling in Australia, we now can't wait to go and explore, and we're in the process of deciding whether to get the Greyhound or the Oz Experience bus!  A is leaning towards the Greyhound, I'm swaying towards the Oz Experience but I think I may have been brainwashed by the amount of times the Oz Experience guy said "cool".  I have the attention span of a goldfish, so if you say something enough it kind of sticks!

I only have 4 days left at this job so I will be making the most of it!  Anyone want any stationary?

Luce x