#7: Chavtastic advertising

So the other week I was sitting in a coffee shop with R and A and some of the more chavvy Canterbury residents walked in.  No offense chavs but afternoon tea is just not for you, don't you have some grannies to terrorize?  But (that's right I'm starting a sentence with but!) then I thought: chavs drink tea too, why must I have this narrow minded view of tea drinkers?  I realized this is the fault of advertisers, aiming their products at normal run of the mill people and forgetting the poor chavs.

A brief history of the chav: A chav is an aggressive British youth, typically unemployed who repeatedly engages in antisocial behavior such as drug taking, fighting, drinking and stealing.  Your average chav will wear a tracksuit, ridiculous amounts of moody gold known as bling, trainers and peaked hat of some description.  Favored brands include Burberry, Adidas and Reebok.  Chav speak is an interesting dialect of mainly incomprehensible mumbling punctuated with swearing and choice chavvy words like "bruv",(brother/friend/business associate) "naaaa meeeen"(do you know what I mean), "aaariiiyt"(how are you), "muvas life"(goodness me) and my personal favorite "cor chicken eyebrow boi"(.....???).  They are fuelled by white lightning, chicken and chips, weed and cocaine but I believe with the right marketing, chavs could broaden their horizons and start drinking tea.  Baby steps.  Before you know it they will be valued members of society, not dole-dependent social cripples.  Introducing the new PG tips advert (chav edition):

This is my cast.  Look at the state of them.  You'd need a rabies shot to go anywhere near them (bare this in mind future director of this advert!).  These are typical chavs, my target audience will immediately relate to this rowdy bunch of mugs (if you are finding yourself identifying with them you may want to consider a lifestyle overhaul). 

Let's set the scene:  the advert begins with the chavs sitting on a bench in a council estate, smoking and drinking cheap beer and looking intimidating.  It's overcast because the sun doesn't shine on chavs.  Enter Johnny Vegas (face and chins of PG) head to toe in Burberry.  He bowls up the chavs:

Johnny: "Yo yo, gangster diggidy dawgs"

Chavs laugh and there is a general rolling of eyes, a keen chav might kiss his teeth...

Johnny: "Listen brethren, I totally have a safe (excellent/kosher) new beverage for your consideration, behold....."

Johnny unzips his hoody to reveal a tea bag on a thick gold chain around his neck.  Ideally some dramatic music would begin at this point and the sun would appear from behind the clouds and illuminate Vegas in all his glory (?)

Johnny: "'E're son, let this tickle your taste buds"

Hands main chav (Tyrone) a cuppa which he sips cautiously.  Chav enjoys the tea.

Tyrone: "What a positively delightful aroma, this makes a change from this repugnant cider"

The rest of the chavs look shocked at the new articulate Tyrone.  Girl chav (Chantelle) looks disgusted.

Chantelle: "What's that homosexual hot beverage done to ya Tyrone?!?"

Tyrone: "I don't know, but I now realise I have been wasting my life, I'm going to seek employment and flaunt my new elegant loquaciousness"

Johnny looks impressed and the rest of the chavs fight over the cup of tea. Cuts to a scene of the ex-chavs now all smartly dressed, frolicking and enjoying each others company in a cheesy advert way, while the voiceover man says the new tagline:

"PG tips. Chav fuel."

Chavs will never be the same. You're welcome.

Luce x