Over the past few months I have had the pleasure of observing the vast variety of commuters on the train. I have reduced my observations into this handy guide which I think will one day be broadcast as a public service announcement.
Firstly, and most obviously you either are a man or woman. Having decided which category you fall under, here is a brief guide on train behavior:
Man- generally as a man you are expected to behave like a gentleman in most walks of life. General politeness or opening a door for a lady is a fine example of typical gentlemanly ettiquette. All this goes out the door the second you step foot on the platform. Now the most important thing to a man is exerting his dominance over the rest of the commuters by getting a good seat. If available, most men will aim for the 6 seat space on the train, lots of space for a man to sit. Inevitably there will be many people boarding the train, and more often than not 3 or 4 men will get a seat on the 6 seat space of the train. As a man, you won't want to sit on the seat next to another man, you will leave the middle seat free so you have plently of room to spead you legs as wide apart as you can. This is an important part of being a man on a train. The next step is to eye up your competition. The other 3 men on the 6 seat are not as manly as you. This is how you let them know this: in one fluid movement you sniff loudly with a slight snarl on your face, pull up your trousers ever so slightly, spread those legs and get out a newspaper (the bigger the better, finacial times demands greatest respect). If you must read a book, make sure it's got a title including murder/facial hair/SAS/manliness and that the blurb starts with "testosterone fuelled..." Done? Brilliant, you are now the manliest man on the train, look smug for the remainder of the journey. Own it!
Woman- I don't know why but on a train you must have a face like a slapped arse. Whether it's because you're on your way to work or just the general hatred of being on a train I couldn't tell you, but just do it, you'll fit in. Tutting is key to being a woman on a train. Use tutting as a method to express your distaste for anything. Find a seat, you will probably end up between 2 blokes in the 6 seat section. If you've forgotten your gushing romantic novel with the flowery pink cover, don't worry, read over the men's shoulders, they like that! You will no doubt have a large bag filled with stuff you don't really need. Feel free to place it anywhere, then tut when anyone gets anywhere near it. Like a lion protecting her cubs. For God's sake don't try and start a conversation with someone. Just because you've read their book twice and o.m.g isn't the main character just.like.you. the person sitting next to you doesn't care, keep it to yourself. Look uncomfortable for the whole journey and maintain the "bulldog chewing on a wasp" look. Work it!
Congratulations, you now know how to fit in on a train in London. If you feel like taking on a more challenging role, below I have listed some of the more rare types of commuter. If you want to be a proper bitch for a bit, why not try out one of these:
Territorial- I came up against a horrible territorial type earlier today and I have to say she caught me off guard. It's normally a man who claims as much space around him as possible by reading a broadsheet newspaper at arms length so most of it's in your face. Today it was a tiny lady who was literally elbowing me so she could get comfortable. She managed to get her arm in behind mine, digging into my ribs, so my arms were hanging in front of me looking stupid. I don't appreciate being made to look squashed by a lady half my size, so I trod on her foot as I got off the train. Get-out-of-my-aura scale 9/10
Disgusting- I see this surprisingly often and I really wish I didn't! Blokes who clearly forget where they are and have their fingers knuckle deep in their nose/ears! I even saw a fully grown man pick his nose and eat it the other day. Repulsive. I was nearly sick in my mouth. Filth scale 9/10
Angry- Swears a lot. Checks their watch a lot. Hates being late. If the train is delayed, they are straight on the phone to their boss telling them they're stuck on a train, AGAIN! They have a vein on their forehead that looks like it's going to burst. Chill out scale 7/10
Chunky- For this you need to be a fatty. A wibbly wobbly round person. You also need to be fully unaware of just how large you are. Chunkies are fans of attempting to sit in the middle seat, which is an already significantly reduced bum space, but they think they can get their eclipse-causing behind into it. They can't. You end up with half their arse cheek on your lap, and they don't even notice! Then of course you have them gasping for breath the whole time because they're so fat they can't breathe properly. Fatty scale: 7/10
Loud- You know the kind of person who shouts "WAHEY" when someone smashes something? This is the train version of that person. They like to leave their phone on loud and have an annoying ringtone like the great escape. They will then have a really loud conversation which will start with "Jimmy, you fat twat, how are ya?" They will look around the carrage trying to make eye-contact with people and occasionally gesture towards their phone and roll their eyes. God they're annoying! Shut the hell up scale: 8/10
You are now fully equipped to travel in London. You're welcome.
Luce x
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